livin in my own world

dignity

2006-11-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

was at bishan library with the same old people yesterday. and met some ungentleman there. i seriously cannot believe wad he did to my friends. he is a grown up, in university i guess. saw his engineering book. alright maybe in poly den. im not too sure. im just so disgusted by him. and i hate men even more. i always thought that men of age 20 and above, after going thru NS, they would be much matured and well brought up. but im so wrong wrong wrong!
alright, fiona accidentally spilled coffee on the floor. and unfortunately, on his oh-so-precious-shoes, and he said something like, i think you should wash mine shoes, it has coffee all over. i didnt hear him saying that till sophia told me. by then, fiona and belle went to washed his shoes for him alrd. and i was quite taken aback. and started gossiping w sop.
i bet he did it on purpose. because we were rowdy. but excuse me, its a cafe. and we werent as noisy as we were alright. stupid man. and who the hell is he to ask my juiniors to wash his shoes for him? yes we spilled the coffee on him, but does that mean that he has the right to order us around, like his maids. WASH HIS DIRTY BLACK SHOES FOR HIM. its not as if he is disabled or what. and it wasnt on purpose. to think that he gave that smirk look. and we gave up our space for his girlfriend. if i were them, i would haf make the shoes wet and soapy since he asked us to WASH it for him. i mean, do you have to put people down to that extent when we didnt even did it on purpose. my goodness. please. it is so hard to show basic respect and not destroy others dignity? this is ridiculous.
i wonder why people like this exist. i will not forget that look he had. i feeel like slapping him.

relationships

2006-11-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

i don feel good. witnessing wad i dont want to witness. so i made up my mind to run away from all that is disturbing me. however, i still find myself thinking about it whenever im at home. i wonder why. people behave the way they do, without thinking about others. or sparing a thought for the whole situation. if i were to voice out what i have in mind, will things be better off or will it aggravate the situation? if u were me, will u inflict the pain on others, or just run away and suffer on your own. i guess when im unhappy with those not so close, not so important people around me, i would be very frank and say whats on my mind. but the closer u are to me, i find myself being more cautious, and aware of my own behaviour, because i fear judgement, i fear rejection, and also the fear of spoiling the whole relationship with people close to me. is it good or bad? i dont deny that i complain to others about how unhappy i feel, but ultimately, i still regard those whom i complained about as somebody special and important to me. is this hypocritism? to me it is not. unless the words say are on intention and to cause hurt or harm to that person. because, girls always need to get things off their chest. but who can we trust?
i know this entry is a bit weird. there is math tmr. going off to study alrd.
i wished u could do something more.

reflections

2006-10-10T01:45:00.000-07:00

it had been a busy month.
pre-prelims. prelims. post-prelims.
yes, i did work hard. nope, i din do well. yes, i have decided to drop one subject. economics.
i have come to terms to it. never regretted taking that subject and only dropping it at this point of time. because im interested in econs. and i ;earned alot. i completed my syllabus, and i have no regrets. except that i could have better grasp the j1 economics concepts plus international trade. and yes, i will probably further my studies in economics when im in university.
for those who are reading this, mayb think that. oh it's such a waste and all. u spend two years studying it and blah blah. all the tuition and the A level fees. but i begged to differ. all the u shud haf dropped it last year or earlier had crossed my mind. all the opportunity cost lost due to time spend on reading econ notes and attending econs lecture. but mind you, im fortunate to have met great teacher, who taught great economics during my second year. im not exactly giving up on this subject, im just postphoning the date for me to take exam. and i know, i wont take any sciences in future, so econs is the next best choice that i know of. im convinced by my own theory. call me crazy. and denying myself from reality. i dont really care. and yes, i still think that ive made the right choice, by learning this subject for two years. but not taking the exam as an A level subject. i still remember what tanYH told me when i went to appeal to vj. saying that i will like econs and will do well cos my sec4 social studies results were straight As. He might not be right in everything he says despite his agreesiveness.
People were shocked. they ask why. and above all these reasons, i just want my As badly. i know i can do well, its just tt the stress and burden that is on me is so great that i cant even perform up to expectation for my other subjects, say math. according to angCL, she reminded us that we need to be very clear-minded when u are handling maths question. and i guess that staement applies to physics as well. it's thru, its hard to cope with the tight schedule during exam periods. one paper after another, leaving you with short time in between to study for your next subject. im so glad that there is such a thing call prelim. thank God, that made me realised that its not easy, especially when u are not well prepared for your papers. and made me realised that im ultimately not ready to sit for four A level subjects. the tight scheduele just scares me off. the thing im weak at is the coping with stress part, not the doing well part. they make me fumble and panic. and now, i feel relieved and motivated to get all my As and Bs. not deterred by stress anymore. but determined to overcome my As:))
you may say that im just taking the easy way out, but i guess taking the harder and conventional way doesnt alwaes guarantee you that your grades will be better or mould you into becoming a better person with character and substance. and sometimes, u just have to take a step back to see what is holding you back and hindering you from achieveing what you wantl. now i have got my answers and am going all out to eliminate them.
pride has always been my Archilles' heels. but this time, i took the courage to put down my pride and let it all go. and somehow, this made me come to realisation that a braver peron will be the one going out to look for help when u are in need, make some reflections, and cope with your problems with appropriate solutions, even when it is to degrade yourself to a lower level or to cry, as compared to someone who is adament about their stands and refuse to accept alternative solutions. Maths teaches us this skills in that sense right? to come up with alternative solutions to solve the equation when u are stuck right?
in fact, in future, when u start building your career, your family and all, the people around you wont be bother whether u did 4As or 3As right? it's how u treat them, how you build relationships with them that is important. and they will remember u for who u are, not wad grades you get. good academic results is something to be proud of, but if one were to have bad attitudes and low emotion quotient, i think thats the saddest thing of human fate.

2006-08-31T11:16:00.000-07:00

happy birthday.

it was raining since ydae. it felt as thou God was crying for some reasons. i cant deny i still feel for it. don think anione will understand how it feels except for those who had really gone thru wad it was. it wasnt easy at all to cope with the grieve and all.
somehow, i wish u were still here with us. i know its silly to even think this way. naive many would say. but i reasoned it myself that the v35 door is spoilt for a reason. it couldnt be closed properly no matter how hard we try. well, i wonder if the door creaks open whenever 05S61 is not using.
looking on the brighter side, maybe it all happened for a reason. if it werent for u, i think the class wouldnt have a common identity. in a way. i duno, seems like the high attendance today explains it all. never had i felt that the class was close until todae. it started off quite well, i was laughing at the bus stop. but solemn when the time has come. i couldnt even bring myself to take the first step in. i was afraid to face it all again. i couldnt bring myself to have a closer look. i regretted not being able to pray for u bcos of the overwhelming emotions that had overcame me. i was angry with myself for being weak. i wonder why others could do it, but i couldnt. but after the long walk, i guess u shared a bigger part of ur life with me. and im glad that u did. still can rmb the many moments we shared. as if they just happened not long ago. but all of that had came to a fullstop.

and i missed the shoulders that i was crying on, on that very day.

heard of the seven greatest sin? i think my greatest sin is pride.

to learn how to love, start to love your enemy.

2006-08-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

to learn how to love, start to love your enemy.
im learning to love. i wouldnt say i love you and i wouldnt really consider that person my enemy. it just so happened that we just couldnt get along in the first place. i thought we could. cos our first encounter was quite okay. i dont know how it happened, but we just stopped talking. and we treated each other as if we were invisible. no hellos. no waves. not even a smile. and i know, i couldnt accept you as part of my life anymore. i dont even want the people around me to be close to you. and that includes the closest friend of mine. and we quarreled umpteen times because of you. and somehow, all these unhappy memories still clings on me like a leech.
u werent exactly the reason of all that had happened. you were just the surface of the problem, just an unfortunate spark that started off the fire. but actually, there were many hidden roots and reasons why we werent on agreement at that time. things were complicated then. and u had no choice but to be part of the complication. im glad that all that had been thrashed openly, but i dont think u know how bad it hurt, and how traumatic it was for me. i had to live with fear then, where yet another arguement awaits me when the previous one was still lingering around. it was terrible to carry on with life without being able to trust and live each day without faith. self comforting was a big part of my life when things werent right. well, it was quite sometime ago, so lets just forget about the details.
but now, as things get better, less complicated. i heard less and less of you. yet, i find my inner self wanting to know more about you. i wouldnt say im ready to accept you in my life once again, because of all the rather bad memories. i wouldnt dare to risk it. i just want to say that im sorry that it didnt work out in any way. i think i had deprived u a good chance of having a good acquaintance. but i guess there is nothing much i can do. im glad that at least we can put aside what we call the past. or at least im able to leave it behind. no doubt i will still be reminded at times. but at least i dont feel the intensiveness of my emotions anymore. its always nice when we exchanged smile and waves. but will we ever be more than a hi-bye friend? im not too sure.

thank you love.

2006-08-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

i wanted to blog since a very long time ago. about people and issues that had been on my mind for quite some time. its just hard to find time to come online. especialli when my brother hogged onto the comp like nobody's business. he and his maple. pouts.
i swear i was the stupidest girl on earth. how can i be so stupid to reveal the greatest secret on earth. hmph. no more surprise. bah. i hate myself for being so clumsy. :(
relationships are perplex. i cant agree more to this sentence. when u least expected any two homosepians to share a close relationship, u had to find yourself in a suituation whereby u had to witness all that they share, or even findin yourself thinking about what they are doing when you are stoning at some corner of a cafe, what they were doing when you try to keep yourself busy by drowning urself in endless tutorials and revision and what they will be doing.
its something i can never stop doing, and i wonder why. i have many other better things to do, but when i stop keeping myself occupied, i start to think of the past, the present and the future. my past was crap. full of shit. sometimes i wished i could turn back time. i think its just human nature to be greedy. you cant be satisfied with what you have and what you not have. if only i didnt push u away. many things wouldnt have happened. if only things were put clearer in the way that we both understood what we want and what we felt. but at least for now, i guess its not too late. its fated that i had to go thru all these to realise what kind of life i want to pursue.
and thank you for making me realised that many interesting facts and allowing me to experience life fully. yes, its true that memories cannot be erased away, and i cant get over certain things no matter how hard i try. but i just have to keep on trying, keep moving, keep creating better and happier memories so as to keep certain hurtful memories that will bring back emotions deep inside, so as to prevent them from hindering my goals and happiness. i remember telling you my fears, i wondered if u could hear the sobs and chokes over at the other end. i remember you telling me yours. and i silently made myself promise that i wont be stupid again. now, i see a different future, with a slight change in perspective, with a little anticipation.
you taught me how to be stronger, you wiped my tears now, when you were, then, one of the main contributor to my tears. thank you, for not leaving me in the end. i treasure you. and i love you:) i dont need the whole world to feel love and cherished. i need only one.
keep me in your heart aways.

mugger.

2006-07-21T10:38:00.017-07:00

had quite a great day todae. its hua's birthday. she had a great day. her classmates made her eye candy give her the birthday cake they bought her. i wonder if my classmates will ever do that. base on the level of interaction i have with them. oh yea, after her eventful day, she din forget about us. we went crab king in ang mo kio near kerrin's place for crab (obviously) and had fun eating alot again. our motto seems to be -eat till we drop- for every birthday occasion. we bought her a forever friend bear. which appeared to be odd in his/her proportion. oh she named it ah dai. and i seriously suspect that ah dai is mutated. =x it cost me a bomb. i used up all the money tt im supposed to deposit in the bank. :( but well well, im jus so looking forwarrd to wad i will get in three months time. (ahem. hint hint)
i guess i haf been neglecting a lot of things in life. one of the most evident example is my blog. i don haf the comp in my room. and im glad that it doesnt serve as a distraction most of the time cos it will be very inconsiderate and tiring for me to use the comp on weekday nights. cos i will be disturbing my brothers. so i see many people have been missing out the events in my life. to whoever it may concern, im sorry. haha. besides, i had been trying to mug hard to repent for wad i haf not done for my common test two. that is to study as much as possible. and im under high level of stress. not that anione is pressuring me. its just pressure from myself. which is unhealthy. cos to many of us, its consider too earli to be over stressed out. oh well. i just gotta try and relax. and try to hide the symtoms of stress, which is quite undesirable in any case.
i havent been myself recently. its scary to describe what im feeling nowadays. cos i might be attracting unnecessary concerns about me being over paraniod and being a freak. its just that i feel so insecure with my demoralizing results. i noe there are pple who did much worse. but well, im not one of those people who sits here and fret about my bad results(when actually they are realli not bad), so that they can make those who din do well feel worse so as to make myself feel beta. but seriously, my results are realli bad. never gotten such bad grades. but its good. cos it sort of woke me up. for those who had woken up from the slackerish mood, good for you. but those who hasnt, its not too late to do so now. look at the amount we nid to study. besides the four main subjects, i still nid to have substantial readings of newspaper and magazine so that i can write a good gp or econs essays. i dont realli haf a flare for writing which is quite sad. and i had to work doubly hard, cos i know im not the smart kind. i had to work hard to achieve wad i desire. well, its different from the Os. n i know after this period of time, i can take a long break:) im not gonna give up now, cos it will jus be a waste of money and time on my education for the past 11 and a half yrs. yay! im so motivated now, gonna go and mugggg nowww. wheee.

2006-07-07T23:01:00.025-07:00

im beginning to accept veejay. i dont dread school as much now. people like carol, yan and the 06S61 juniors. i wished they were my junior class larh. at least i know im not alone. and they are quite funny people. entertaining:) its funny man, i can only seem to clique with either people other than me or people younger than me. HAHA. but i don mind a single bit.
im going swimming later. i love to swim. its a very realxing sport. and i get to tan myself. but it doesnt realli work. hmph. i get to spend time with myself. swimming is the only time i enjoy solitude. and the time when i dont mind being alone. when i can immerse myself in water and immerse myself into deep thoughts without distractions. i think of the past, the present and the future. and i feel better many times after i swim. have a clear thought of who im and wad i wan, but there were times when i get up from the pool, feeling even worse about myself. and i wonder, what will i feel later. but i look forward to tonight. im going out for dinner with the gambling union at chomp chomp. haha. im currently the member. and apparently, the onli member. cos the rest of them got themselves all the exco position. *hmph* bully the oldest. guess its celebration to our winnings from the world cup. haha. i hope france win. zidane is so hot. : x
oh yes, and congratulations to me. im one of the 4 in my class who passed chemistry. mrs mah blacklisted my class by naming us the seven eleven class cos 7 out of 11 people failed. and annoyingly, im the least expected one out of 4 who passsed. so annoying. this is another factor leaving me to think that i have stupid face again. grr.
alrite. im off to swim:)

backkk

2006-07-01T01:39:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time since i last blogged. its pure laziness. nothing much to talk about thou. its just my simple life. and i love it:) i wish things never change. im will give my all to not let myself change anithing. people time it on time, but i guess, after all that i had went thru, i take the blame on myself. its the people who change things. not time. time changes circumstances, but people change relationships.
i spent the pass few days thinking about the person and things i wanted to think least about. the person whom had caused many unhappiness in my life for the past few months. i want badly to forget how bad it hurts, but yet, the more i want to let go, the more tightly i seem to be holdin on. to those scary times when we fought, when i cried, when i feel as if my world is breaking apart. its scary to have all the negative thoughts flooding your mind. especially when u are trying to stay focus while u do ur papers, and when the first thing you think wabout when u first wake up. haha. its horrendous. :
i think its stress. that is the culprit of all these emotions. im so glad that mid years are over. and im indulging myself in excessive gambling. in mahjiong and soccer betting. i won my first soccer bet ydae. draw for the germany and argentina match. haha. the penalty kick was exciting. germany goalkeeper was good:) and i saw ballack. he is so sauvel. <3 oh well, i hope portugal win and send beckham back to england. and i hope france will win becos the odds are high. lala~ after all these nonsense, i will nid to go back to the life of a nerd. this is my therapy after being traumatized by the veejay mean pok teachers. haha. and im all prepared to go for four remedials, or maybe five. which includes gp. btw, im a four sub-ber. not three sub-ber. i think i have a stupid face. jaws drop when people know that i was from triple science. and im still holding onto four subs. wth. but nvm. those cedar times are times that im super duper proud of. :))
im so sleepy and dirty now. wanted to go swimming. but im just tooo lazy to get out of my house. besides, i will be dry swimming later:) gonna shower. and wait for my guest to come:)) okayy larhhs. goodbye. i hope i blog soon. blehh.

jersey number twelve.

2006-05-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

so much had been forgotten. at least to me. till i read Mr chew's blog.
it has been two months. and i still cry over you.
i think i will. even if its after two years.
jersey number twelve. its yours. yet u din get to wear it. :(
it's a shame that u din get to witness the guys win.
but im sure u are extremely proud of them, up there.
both the guys and girls team are in the semis, my friend.
i wished u were part of all this.
the journey of hope.
den we will have so much to reminisce together.
its gonna end soon. last two matches.
i gave my all for the previous six.
i learnt a lot.
i have become a stronger, a better person.
i feel the passion, the spirit.
of volleyball and life.
it's something i had never ever felt so strongly before.
HOLD ON, POSSIBILITIES EXISTWITHOUT HOPE, THERE IS NOTHING
veejay steady ace. always.

colorgenic test.

2006-05-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

hahs. i jus did some colorgenic test. which is quite true for some parts. im feeling rather boliao. cos i duwan to do my work. my phone is flat. and i duwan to charge. lazy. im a pigg. im realli very lazy. i duno why. sigh. nvm. im just giving myself excuses. cos it's seasons. well well. here are the results for my test.

You are very ambitious and because you seek and need recognition, you try in your own way to impress people and you want to be looked up to - to be both popular and admired. You feel that there is a gap which separates you from your fellow man, or woman as the case may be, but this anxiety is an unnecessary one. Keep on the way you are going and you may surprise yourself.You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different.You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.You are being very dogmatic, insisting that there is to be absolutely no equivocation whatsoever about your achievements and accomplishments.
im upset. cos i lost something realli very very important to me. wish i could get it back. sigh sigh sigh.
and im rather disappointed in some people. oh wells. who am i to comment.
and yes. we are in the quarters. we won jjc. tmr will play against ajc. and fri sajc. and i hope we win. den we will be in the semis. now everything is in a big mess. cos everyone skills are on par. and yes. whoever is mentally stronger wins the game. i will not let history repeat. i will be myself this year.
no fear. out to kill.

bloody bitch.

2006-04-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

it is when the truth come running to you, you had no choice but to accept it.
u keep running away from it, for days, for months. in the end, it will still come and find you.
it is when u are afraid to know why, when u find all the excuses to cover up the fact that u cant seemed to accpet, you begin to live with it.
until one day, you know the real reason why.
and this time around, i will never give that bitch another chance.
a typical behaviour of a bitch.
manipulate feelings. sweet talk. act pathetic. gain sympathy. breach trust. spoil friendships.
it's all your fault.
if you think that u are not at fault at all, let me tell you. it's all yours.
do some reflections. wake up.
im no longer the fool. you can no longer make use of me. you are out of my life.
i should have kept you out of my way long time ago. perhaps i was too kind.
to think that i helped you. to think that i wanted to help you salvage the soured relationship.
you deserve nothing my unkindness.

2006-04-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

im so slack nowadaes. i reach home. i don feel like doing my work. i just feel like coming online. duno for wad. just feel like slacking. and sleeping. im lack of motivation. its eleven now. and im online. i still rmb those times, when i was sooo motivated. and stayed up and do my work till one. after a long dae. hahas. now, everything has change. and only god knows why.
i look at my tutorials. i feel sick. i cant settle myself down to get them done. im utterly disappointed. nvm. maybe after my tournament. yupps. i will reorganise my thots, and motivate myself again. i dont nid to depend on anyone. im a strong person. :) its okay. life still has to go on.
anyway. the main focus of today's entry would be how much good friends can make ur day. even when ur day started out horrible with the rumours, and the sight whereby everyone rushes to the library for the home cover page. and witnessing ur own freaking insensitive classmate passing uncouth comments right in front of u to some people whom he is not close to. i feel unjustice. i feel like slapping his face. if onli i could reach. if onli he can haf some emotional quotient.
i couldnt pay attention at all. in lectures and tutorials. i keep talking to vince and yaptse. i love to talk. haha. oh wells. at least they can be bothered to listen and to ask wads bothering me. at least they have the time to spare. at least i have their full attention. they dont listen and do other stuff at the same time like u do. i hate it when people do that to me. wads the point of calling when u dont even wan to talk. i dont understand. well, i dont hold it against u. cos i noe u are like that.
gym was horrible. i duno why. i felt as thou i was gonna break down. i was exhuasted. i couldnt focus on the things i do. and bang, the stupid weight slipped off my hands. and created a commotion. i was annoyed. snippets keep flashing back. i was annoyed by the thought of u. and the actual fact that i felt something after i pretended to feel nothing. i duno how long more i can act. i realli wonder if all these pretense will become a habit, a routine, a chore after long. actualli im rather afraid that the turmoil will fade. be it inside me or inside u. if they realli do, it will realli be the end. somehow, im still clinging onto a something. but i guess, theres nothing i will do. and obviously, there is nothing u will do too.
things got better. after watching the tennis girls play. they won. 3-2. close fight. nerve wreaking. and bonnie was actualli quite funny. ha ha ha. and i got lost along the bukit timah road, amongst the hwa chong pple. it was intemediating. but i guess, things realli happen for a reason. im glad that i went to watch the tennis match. cos i got to go and watch my beloved bao bei do her lion dance. although that retard forgot most of her steps. and yes. cheong yu hua was funny. hahaha. and i saw kerrin on 852. it was realli much of a coincidence. bcos i missed quite alot of buses. and the one i board was the one she was in. was happy when i saw her. and we agreed on meeting up for dinner tgt with hua. and when we were on the bus, we passed by macRitchie, and we tried our luck to ask if vien wans to join us for dinner. and to me and hua's surprises, she actualli said she dont mind.
so the four of us went out on an impromptu outing. the feeling was great. it jus felt like those days when we go out for lunch after we haf lessons back in cedar. or before going to my house for mahjiong. it jus made me feel happier. i wonder how i my dae wud be like if i were to go home. i think i will just die. we went to eat pasta. we ate like pigs. is realli alot. alot alot. i shant sae. haha. and me and kerr shared the ben and jerry's icecream we bought from ntuc. strawberry cheesecake flavour. wheee. and we went to take neo prints. i cant believe it larhs. i felt so childish. but happy. like wad i had said, they keep my troubles awae. im glad and blessed to have them in my life.
yes vien, friends forever.
yes girls, i love you all.

2006-04-18T05:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes, life is just unfair. so sinhui, don be too upset. life is just a series of disappointment, followed by death. i hope u will take care. and not think too much. in any case, im always here for you. :) and yes, do well for ur seasons. :)

sometimes, you just find it so hard to please everyone. not everyone can accept the things u do and make them see things in the way u do. it jus hurts when after u put in so much effort in hope of making things better, making things happen, yet these people still think otherwise. they assume that u are just being tyrannic and being unreasonable, just simply because u no longer could hold ur temper anymore, u no longer keep the faith because they slowly destroy the faith. u wished u could rest for a short while. take a break from all that is suffocating you. u wished someone could finally see the reason why u are doing these things, how u are doing things, u hoped that they could help. that they can just be less self centred. they can just put in a little more effort.

but those hopes are merely hopes.

when u show different kind of attitude at different point of time, they sees u as tempremental. they thinks that u haf bad attitude. they dislike u. they jump into conclusion, just because they dont understand you. they cant be bothered to make the effort to ask, or perhaps, they dare not. anti-social they call u. aloof. outcast. everything, but a friend.

u feel tramuatized. u feel that the whole world is against you. and that they cant stand the sight of you. u began to slip into ur own world. ur own thots. u refuse to share anything with anyone. u bottled things up. u sink into depression. ur mind is filled with negative thots. but who gives a shit? no one. who cares? no one. u look at ur own reflection in front of a mirror. u wonder whats wrong with this girl in front of you. u wonder why. and u start to take all the blame upon urself. u began to hate yourself, like how others dislike you. u wonder whats the point of u existing. u began to think of reasons to live. and yet, u realised that these reasons are the actually the masterminds. they secretly hurt u, they instigate u to give up when u dont feel right. they make u fall faster. they make u feel the pain in a quicker and more intense way. they tear u apart. especially when u thought they have the ability to make things better.

when u care too much for somethings, some people, things and relationships evolves into something that are hard to fathom, that are intangible. to the extent that they appear in ur mind all the time. and i realli mean ALL THE TIME. its annoying. because u know they dont or wont think of u as much as u do. and u feel stupid. because, they dont even care. and they dont even know. or maybe they know. that they mean a lot to you. but do they realli feel the same for you? or are u just living in a world of lies and assumptions all along? living in your own world of self denial all the while? i hate it when i care. i hate it. but i cant stop myself from caring. from loving. because i have been doing it for such a long time. its a habit. its something in me.

2006-04-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

its jus so nice to spend time with you girls again. it keeps my mind clear and free from the things i tried so hard not to think everydae. it jus goes awae with all the laughters and stupid things we do and laugh about arnd. thank you so much for that lovely evening. four times a year is alwaes nv enough. i miss those times when we had fun tgt. those times back in cedar. hmph. seriously. i wish i cud turn back time.
argh. im feeling nostalgic again. there are so many reasons for turning back time. so many so many so many.
sometimes, i wished i know wad exactly to do and sae at that point of time. i wished i had the ability to make things better. make people feel better. or even make people tell me wads bothering them. what exactly they are thinking. so that i nid not nid to guess. to assume things. to be the fooled by myself.
its my fault. to assume. things to be the way they are actualli not. i duno. its alwaes my fault. i wished i had the courage to be truthful to you. to tell you wad i feel. to let you know all that is hidden underneath the facade. maybe its the fear that is holdin me back. the fear of losing. of knowing the heartless truth.

scram

2006-04-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

thanks carol. for putting up the tag board for me. love you manys.
thanks charr. i noe u care. thank you. i din mean to cry alone orchard road. i was too angry, upset and hurt. but im feeling better alrd.
life for me is kinda fucked up now. i din mean to use that word. but still i feel that way. oh wells. yes, i feel annoyed easily for no exact reason, i feel that my existent means nothing but annoyance. i go around upsetting people without having the intention to. i simply suck.
but that was last wk. now, even thou my life has a slight change to the better direction, but still i cant help but feel i lil insecure and sensitive towards certain issues and comments and actions by certain people. probably bcos having myself go thru all the pain and lies u had inflicted on me.
now that i think back, i wonder which part of u is true. i feel like going up to you and scold you. i don care. but part of me thinks that i shudnt give u another problem anymore. i feel like telling the whole world all that u haf done, but i noe u dont deserve it. i was silly to allow myself to get decieved by you. i was naive. not that i want to make myself sound so great and nice, but sigh. i duwan to hurt anione. cos the level of profile u are experiencing is high till the extent that u onli fucking care about yourself. selfish. thank you, for allowing me to see the true nature of man. thank you, for making me lose hope in man again. thank you.
i believe that things happen for certain reasons. i think i noe wads the reason behind certain things. something that are not meant for anione to know, only me. heh heh. its funny how i feel nowadays. cos i duwan to feel how i feel towards certain people. but yet, i cant help it but feel that way. it just keep coming back. no matter how hard u try not to recall those times u had those feelings, they still come back to you after such a long time. no matter how convincing ur words to others are, deep inside u, u know its not true. no matter how much u feel for someone, how much u want them to know, how much you want them to be with you always, u behave oppositely just the way you wanted. sometimes i wonder why.

2006-04-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

somehow, my instincts are always true.
somehow, i wished they werent.

solitude

2006-03-31T09:12:00.000-08:00

it's another night. when i feel the fatigue conquering my body, my mind.
but yet. i duwan myself to fall asleep. i duwan to wake up from a ever so sweet dream. and face the cold reality. the fact that u are far away from where i am.
i was on the bus. i was stoning. i was thinking about everything except things that makes me happy. abt myself. my life. my decisions. my capabilities. my everything. i began to lose trust in myself again. i watched tv. and i saw myself in my mind. the things i had done to hurt people. the things i haf said to discourage people. the wrong me in the past. but am i still the same? am i still hurting people? am i still using the discouraging tone when i talk to some people? am i still wrong?
and i began to wonder. what do people actually see me as? more sociable than solitude? or the other way round? i think im liking solitude more and more. i duno why. but i no longer mind people seeing me alone. or maybe i do sometimes, when i don feel good. but not as much as before. when i noise used to keep me company. now, somehow, i feel annoyed when there is too much unneccessary noise interupting my train of thots, my reflections. todae, mark lee said enjoying solitude doesnt mean that u are weird, outcasted, ostracized. solitude does not haf a negative note. in fact, spending time alone will allow u to have time to urself, reflecting on urself, trying to make urself a better person. in a different way of viewing such a simple yet complex word, u can how different an optimist and pessimist can think.
perhaps, im doing too much of that. and that creates a totally different me. i duno if its a good change or bad change. maybe im getting tooo serious about how my life shud be run. i mean there is still a pretty long way to go. and i noe i will tire myself out soon at this rate im sorta depressing myself. but seriously, im feeling the tireness alrd. maybe its just the environment. and the people arnd me. perhaps, trying hard is not a good thing afterall. some call it striving for excellence. but some call it ambitious.
forget it. i don think anione will understand all these crap fully. im a little delirious. im just a little upset. maybe some people can live without me. but i certainly cant live without some people. what if i die tomorrow? who will be there at my wake? who will cry? who will blame themselves for not doing enough when i was still around? who will?
i have yet to think about my last words before i go. this shows that im not ready yet. and im not ready to let some special group of friends live without me yet. and even when your life stops. life still goes on for everyone, eventually.
forever dont exist. maybe love dont too. they are merely words and actions, to make u feel pampered. for just awhile. cos when u feel loved, its not a good thing. cos the day will come when they stop loving u. the day will eventually come. its just a matter of time.

if only i could be perfect in ur eyes.

2006-03-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

i miss jonny. :(

jellybeans.

2006-03-29T06:46:00.000-08:00

i had an eventful afternoon.
a special afternoon shared with the vballers. in the imagineering room.
together with mr chew. the greatest mentor i haf ever had.
i shant share wad exactly happened in that room.
but we did an activity. and i think i will nvr ever forget it for the rest of my life.
it was a challenging time. many of us were emotionally involved.
sad to say. i teared a few times.
the decisions were so hard to make.
i wudnt say i had regretted my decisions.
i will still stick with it if another chance was given to me.
but most of the time, second chances defeats the meaning and the purpose.
many times, its the first experience that make the most impact on u.
u decide. and u live with it.
sometimes for a period of time.
sometimes for the rest of your life.
at least jellybeans mean more to me now.
i wud sae im rather touched by wad xiying said.
yes.
i was uncertained of my capabilities. and now that i see they trust me. they believe in me.
i shud stop doubting myself. and do wadever i can.
im gonna make it happen.
im not gonna give it up.
we trained so hard. not for nothing.
for number one.

if i cud, i wud haf given you all my jellybeans instead of none.
sorry, love.

the night poem.

2006-03-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

thirteen march 06, night.
why the fuck did you have to go?
why did you leave us all behind and cry?
why didnt you bring the tears away?
why couldnt you bring me along too?
why couldnt i forget all the times we had?
why? why? why did you choose this way out?
why arent you here with us?
why are you not playing our sport?
im angry. i duwan you to go.
please come back.

i dont understand why im cryin'
isit because there is no more you?
isit because im too touched by all that was said and written by them?
isit because you refuse to put your pride down and console me even when we haben been talking for the entire day?
only you know why.

why am i left alone in this room when all of them could sleep so soundly?
why isit that im full of questions, uncertainties and loneliness?
why are promises meant to be broken?
you said i wont be alone.
you said you wont leave me crying out there.
look at what you have done to me.
look at my tears. they wouldnt listen to me. they cant stop flowing.
and yet you wouldnt care less.
you wouldnt give a damn about me.

im hurt. im upset.
is this what i deserve?
am i asking for too much?
you lied to me again.
you made empty promises. jus to make me happy that time.
yahhhh. now i understand.
or maybe i dont.
maybe someone else can replace me.
someone else can do a better job.
maybe you are pushing me away.
maybe i don mean anything, anymore.
maybe never was i anyone.

i cant sleep.
or maybe i shud sae im not ready to sleep.
im afraid to sleep, afraid to face tommorrow.
am i gonna get up and pretend nothing has happened?
tell me wad to do!
tell me wad you want me to do!
have you ever spare a thought for me?
ever keep me into consideration?

why is everyone liddat?
why is everyone treating me this way?
am i so worthless?
why can i share my joy and happiness with you?
and why can i only listen to your woes?
and why can i only treat you like a stranger?

to you, im a close friend. but to me, are you mine?
to me, you are a close friend. but to you, am i yours?
how ironic.

why cant this world be a better place to live in?
then maybe you wont go.
why do i have to cry?
why do you have to cry?
why do people cry?
why cant we feel nothing?
nothing.
i wanna know how it is like to live in a world without feelings.
i wanna try to feel nothing.
absolute nothing.

woohooo

2006-03-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

you put a smile across my face.
it was jus a simple gesture.
but yet i felt super touched.
i wished i could give u a hug.
and tell you how much i appreciate your kindness.
you took the trouble to browse thru the friendster net.
and left me that message.
thank you very much.
you made my day. :))))
more than perfect.

jon

2006-03-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

i wish i could see you play volleyball again.
i wish i could teach you everything i know about that sport if u gave me another chance.
that sport that brought us closer together.
that sport that made me realised that u are more than a classmate, a pw groupmate, a chem rep to me.
do you know how glad i was to see you improving in court?
its all because i was proud of you.
i was the one who brought you into the vj sportshall for training.
i was the one who taught you how to spike.
i was the one who answer all your doubts and questions about the sport we had so much passion about.
and how could you bear to do this to me?
it pains me to think about how enthusiastic u were when u first joined.
the urgent look on ur face whenever mr chew forgets abt ur court shoes.
the notebook u kept for all the things that coach, mr chew and I have said says all about your attitude.
your willingness to learn, to improve.
to think that u were actualli elected as the vice captain by the boys when you are a total newbie to this sport shows how much u haf gained their respect and their love.
u were the bridge btwn me and the guys team.
the onli source i could rely on to keep me updated.
the onli guy im close to in the guys team.
you were the one who sided gary when i complained and cursed.
and for you, i will accept them and help them in one way or another.
its a shame that we couldnt spend the volleyball camp together.
and also to take the bus to ccab for our nationals in the near future together.
its a shame that i couldnt see you in ur jersey.
and that i can never talk to you about volleyball again.
you made me appreciate the things and pple arnd me more.
you taught me how not to take things for granted.
cos i will nv want to make the same mistake again.

common test one!

2006-03-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

yay! common tests are finally over!! :)) im sooo glad. heh. and the thing is i don haf to go school till next tues! hahaa. don be envious. :P oh wells. i hope i can do well. for at least physics and maths. chem and econs can pass can alrd. cos i duwan to go for remeedial. althou yes. i can learn new things during remedial. but the seasons are coming up. sooo i jus wan to spend my time training gyming improving. i realli hope i can perform this time around. i duwan to repeat the same mistakes again. i duwan to taste the sourness of losing. not my cup of tea.
i had been dreaming alot. maybe because of stress. i cant let my brain rest completely. i dreamt abt school work. and alot of funny funny things. hahas. i hope i can have a peaceful night tonight. oh yes. did i mention that im at home? i mean like after my common tests. and i came straight home! hahas. but i don feel lonely or wad. i had rather have my own company. than to pretend to enjoy myself out there with u guys. =/ its just me larrr. maybe i will go out and have a cup of coffee later. or maybe for a swim. or read dan brown! the book was left there to collect dust ever since the first time i read. i swear i will re read everything. hahas. but before that i must finish reading my newspaper. i duwan to fail gp!! oh yes. ydae was the released of A level results. and ook. many did well. some did not up to expectation. and yahhh. im feel motivated all of a sudden. i must work towards having my name on the board next year.. heh heh heh. but sigh. my chinese got b three. SIGH. im still thinking if i shud retake. but prolly wont waste my time. :)
im gg off alrd. to slack my time awae. enuff of updates.

untitled.

2006-02-20T01:09:00.000-08:00

its another day.
when i feel emptiness in my heart.
its another day.
when i looked deep into your eyes.
yet held back what i want to say.
its another day.
i turned and walked away.
pretend to be fine. to be strong. to be alright.
its another day.
when i look back at those times i had.
when everything seemed so perfect.
the perfect me. the perfect company. the perfect place.
but the piercing pang of nostalgia brought me back to reality.
its another day.
i had tears in my eyes.
but had no one there to dry.
no you, to be exact.
to keep these tears away.
its still the silly me right here.
thinking about you.
the one who hasnt grown up.
the one who isnt strong enough to go on without you.
the one who hasnt let go of the dreams i had about us.
and all the if onlys.
im still the silly one right here secretly craving for your hugs.
your words of concern and endearments.
and wanting you.

2006-02-19T05:54:00.000-08:00

life cannot be any better than now. :))

2006-02-17T02:24:00.000-08:00

it has been a long time since i last blogged. heh. paiseh arhs. had been rather busy with school recently. training took up alot of my time alrd. and besides it's valentines week. ahah. nvm abt valentine's day. i reali dislike valentine's day. =/ but at least i managed to offered my supposedly crush the brownies that i made. haha. all thanks to clara arhs. hahas. it was rather funny. and i was actualli nervous! but i was all so calm and composed. ahahas. very very stupid.
oh and yes. i bought a new phone sumsung D500C last sunday. hahas. quite nice. im getting used to it alrd. heh heh heh. so people out there. please msg me and tell me who u are. cos i lost all my contact numbers. heh. paiseh arh!
thats about it. hafta go study for common test. it's coming in two weeks time. with spa smack right in the middle. i hope common test will be called off. due to overwhelming good results for the Alevels in victoria junior college. but thats highly impossible. hahas.
and yes. so fast. one year had passed.
and now i noe.

2006-02-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

my phone is still missing. i wonder who is that idiot. hmph.
im currently in the extreme sway phase. i lost my phone. i sprained my ankle. i have lotsa tutorials left incomplete. but actualli thats not due to the swayness. its pure laziness. haha. and im growing fatter and fatter! :(((
nothing much to update also. jus feel that life is getting sianer and sianer each day. the more i live, the more confused i get. hahas. shoot me someone.

my 6220

2006-01-26T07:06:00.000-08:00

I LOST MY FRIGGING FONE.
return me my phone. i promise to take good care of it. thou its sooo lan pok alrd.
or at least let me have the last look at it.
at the photos we took in cedar.
the retarded videos.
all the meaningful and nice messages larhh.
i wan to see them for the last time.
i feel saddd.
:(((

life is great!

2006-01-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

mixed feelings.
i feel happy! cos i finished my cny shopping alrd. and i spend a lot a lot. sigh sigh sigh. i bought a pair of jeans and a buttoned blouse. both from levis. a top from mambo. a pair of three quarts from topshop and new bras! oppsy. and i bought my lil bro a baby-g watch. and spend quite alot buying things for friends and treating them to dinner. but nvm. thats the whole point of working in the hols. to earn money and dote myself. and the people i love.
aniwae. cny is coming. im quite excited abt it. well well. can get to wear new clothes. and meet up long lost friends and relatives. yays. and all the new yr goodies and the hong baos. ohhhh wheeee. :) and i will grow fat fat fat. and i cant believe vj is having the x-country str8 after we come back form new yr hols. im mean who will be able to run other than the sch jem tay sze ling? -.- i shall try my best to run then. hahas.
arghh. tmr i nid to go school myself. daddy cant fetch me. hmph hmph hmph. tmr i have training. hmph hmph hmph. but my teammates are sooo nice larhs. that dae we went to marche. we ate like madd. laugh like mad. or at least to me larhhs. ahahs. im sooo glad that i got to noe them better. and i hope we can overcome wad we will be going thru tog. and grow stronger. and the other dae. when almost all of us cried. the feeling was sooo i wouldnt sae great. but warm. touching. arghh.
and another thing to be happy abt. the other dae. i went out for dinner after training. it was simple yet lovely. and the companion wasss greattt. after such a long time. i finally spend quality time with lim ming jie! haha. i seriously enjoy ur company. thou we were like pigs. :p and i love you!
todae i was sooo touched again. my silly friend. i wanted rum and raisin ice cream. but they don haf it. den i was telling her that its okay.im on a diet. and that i duwan other flavours. but den she went to get it for me. she wore her thick suit and she ran to the venezia at marina sq and got me one tub. how sweet and lovely can she be larhhs. sigh sigh sigh. im sooo touched till i nearli cried. maybe i sound exaggerated. but the feeling is sooo wow. nobody has ever done that for me.
im happy with my life now. and i shan think too much to make things complicated. i love my friends. i love myself. i love lifeee.!!

life goes on.

2006-01-18T04:30:00.000-08:00

yay!
i received a box of chocolate today:) im like superrrr happpy. oh wheee. act it was supposed to be given to me a few weeks ago. but due to some unforeseen circumstances, i could onli received it todae. anihow. im still gladd larhhs. thankkk youuuu.
i had been living life to the fullest nowadays. im happy with my life now. i had been doing my tutorials in advance. i hope i can maintain this kinda of standard. hehs. and running. working out regularly. and i feel good. wheee. jus that i haf been sleeping during lectures this week. which is bad. grrr. i shall try not to tmr. heh heh. and sleep more. todae got pple sae my eyes v swollen. i must have looked like an old heck.
oh yes. i finished a book. p.s i love you. it's pretty nice. but i din cry thou i usualli do. ahas. duno whats wrong with me nowadays. i seemed to be stronger emotionally. although i jus cried like shit over a silly fool the other day. haha. that was besides the point. gerry is so sweet larhs. hmph hmph hmph. nvm. im jus fretting.
ohhh. something i must mention! i was send home by a motorbike. thats sooo cool larhs. but i was sooo full after dinner. and i was carrying sooo many things. so the ride was uncomfortable. but other than that. it felt great. to be send home right under your block. the feeling is wow. im looking forward to another ride. heh.
andddd life is great. and im super contented with wad ive got. my new friends. and i hjate to admit it. i miss the three of you. sigh. i was looking at the neoprint we took that dae after fish and co larh. and i realised i yearn to haf u all arnd me. at least for recess to eat like madd pigggs. hmph. :(

samanthaaa.

2006-01-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

i did something nice today. actualli it wasnt my idea. but i jus did as i was told and made her feel better. i bought chocolates for her. and went to ritz carlton to visit her. i noe she was going thru a hell of time.
a friend. she met with an accident. poor girl. it was raining heavily and she fell off her bike. and roll along the streets. no one was there to help her up. she went home. slept with her injuries. thinking of why must all these happened. and realised that this slip made her wake up. made her conscious of how a person can change. jus because of LOVE. how someone can let go of such a close friendship. just bcos of a ~~bitch~~. oh wells. spent my night talking to her. somehow. i felt the heartache too. and the funny thing is im not exactly close to her. she is a friend's friend to be exact. someone who doesnt know how to take care of herself. dear me. hmphhmphhmph.
aniwae. i went out alone again. i went to walk arnd at suntec. and went to starbucks and read and had coffee b4 visiting. the feeling was great. i went to my ex workplace to have tea too. and then to the raffles courtyard to have some drinks. it was call tropical paradise or something. the ambience was nice. hahas. everything was nice todae. and somehow i begin to like life without anione onli myself. i mean like got friends but no other commitments. i feel so carefree. can do wadever u like and wan at wadever hour. but loneliness seeps in at times. haha.

people.

2006-01-08T00:21:00.000-08:00

im fed up with the tagboard. and im not gonna get a for this blog currently.
cos i don nid comments for all that i have to sae.
by the way. im in an attitude and irritable mood. so pardon me for being rude and unkind.
cos i somehow feel that my life is screwed.

it has been long since i last hear you say you love me. and sometimes i wonder if u realli do.
you dunno how much i miss having you in my life. and all the wonderful times we had.
those days when we will look out for one another. after school. after training. after all the events we had in school. those days when you made me special and made me feel needed in your life. now that those days were gone as we live in another environment. the closeness we shared, the bond we had vanished as we grew older. and morbid thoughts filled my mind. will you be gone like how the others left. we swore to be there for one another. or maybe we didnt. cos it was something that need not be said. there were so many unsaid but i noe them in my heart. but do you? i never want to lose my number you. even if u are gone, no one else can replace you. and i don change friends like how i change clothes. that was wad u accused me of last time. you shud noe. no matter how many new friends i haf. you will still be the number one. i told you many times. you are not a spared tyre. it's jus that sometimes things jus appeared to you that way. and im utterly sorry for that.

another thing im not very happy about is ahem ahem larhh! but im okay alrd larhs. cos i understand you wont forgo a free dinner for the sake of me. even when i have absolute zlitch companion. if i had companion im sure i wont mind. but duno why all the pple die go where ydae. and the days b4 ydae. and almost eday since school reopens larhs. nvm. im learning to live in my own solitude. i realised i quite like spending time with myself. (thats provided i don feel unwanted) sitting down at a corner in a coffeehouse. drinking a cup of cafe latte. or even caramel frappacino. listening to music. looking at people. observing the way they carry themselves. and envying all the fun they are having. and how much i miss having my friends arnd. hmph. all the times we had sitting at esplanade rooftop laughing our heads off. and the mahjiong times. hmph hmph hmph. u cant find such friends in vjc and other colleges. maybe i shud be contented with all that i haf. it's not that i haben got ani frends. i haf got carol then! and gabriel li! and clara tan! and my teammates! they are like water i have stumbled across in a dessert. hahas. sounds funny.

and i thank you for keeping me company the whole of yesterday night. i really thank you for making me feel better. dinner was good i hope. jokes were funny. the breeze was nice. the sound of the river was soothing. the walk was so relaxing and nice. the coke was perfectly addictive. and your companion was superb. i hope i wasnt a bad company. it's nice to hear ur ambitions. to know wad u wan to do if u haf unlimited money. and share how u feel about certain issues. i noe i din talk much. cos i was paying my full attention to you. maybe dazed. but not tired. i have dreamy eyes. (KAPUI!) yes. we don noe wad it will be like in future. but wells. u noe i will always be interested in another day together. ha ha ha.

alrite. after i blog and accomplished some stuff. i felt more relieve and happy! im no longer moody alrd. ha ha ha. im weird. tada.

2006-01-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

school started todae. had my physics re. i hope i can pass. or shud i sae i hope i wont fail. argh.
i feel weird in school todae. i miss my colleagues. hmph.
i wan to study hard.
i wan to complete my tutorials.
i wan to play good and perfect volleyball.
i wan to feel happy.
i wan to feel complete.
completely loved.

you-s.

2005-12-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

i miss you.
i really do.
im thinking of u.
im surprise.
cos i never knew i would.
i missed you.
and i miss you.
maybe time will heal.

and you.
i feel so like hugging you.
part of me wants us to be what we used to be.
but yet. another part of me tells me that it's not possible.
cause ive lost grip of you.
maybe time really change people.
i know it's my fault.
i never blamed you for leaving.
and i miss you too.

and you.
i miss you too.
i don understand you.
i wan to knoe more about you.
i wan u to know wad kind of person im.
to see if u can accept who im.
and if i can accept who u are.
we are so different.
but i felt how u felt.
why is this so.

sleepy

2005-12-14T09:32:00.000-08:00

im happy.
i feel loved.
by cheong yuhua.
by kerrin kua.
by vivien yeo.
they accompanied me.
for buying me the dan brown series.
for christmas shopping.
for dinner at orchard hotel.
for overnight mahjiong.
thou we don talk much. as in we don share much with each other abt our troubles as a big group.
but i alwaes feel carefree and relax whenever im with them.
cos i know i can alwaes be myself. the crazy self.
and feel happy. shalalala.

i bought lotsa stuff. presents for friends whom i love. love. love.
so if u recieve one. AHEM. sinhui please pay attention to the next line. means. i love you. and you are someone realli special in my heart. no matter how far our distance is. how many times we meet up once a year. or how long have we know each other. you are still special. hehs. touched? not onli sinhui larhs. but the rest oso. heh heh heh. im in a lame mood.

many things happened.
many things changed.
and i feel as thou im running awae.
i wan to run awae.
but i noe there is no way out.

i duwan schhool to open.
i duwan physics re-paper.
i duuwan A level.
hmph. hmph. hmph.

i wan to take aeroplane.
i wan to go sightseeing.
i need to get out of these hectic life of mine.
leave singapore for a short break.

hahay.

random.

2005-11-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

im blogging. before going to work.
did i say that i love to work? ha ha. but im not so looking forward to it alrd. haha. cos im not as infatuated with the cute and funny headmistress animore. and another nice nice supervisor is on leave. hmph. but still for money sake. i woke like a slave. but there are many interesting things. waiting for me to find out. i will have my ways to dig out info. cos i made many observations. i jus need to confirm them.
i slept very late. at 4 plus in the morning. mj and kiat came to my work place and look for me. :) happy. but i cudnt go home with them. i had to go for supper. with sharon, the on leave supervisor. cos she wanted to treat me. yay. free prata. cos she got her paycheck alrd. she was half drunk. crazy woman. we talked quite alot. but half of the time i was living in my own world. thinking of nothing. but feeling sad at the same time. i duno how to describe. i feel like crying. but there wasnt ani reasons to. i noe she noes somethings are bothering me. but i even noe wad exactly they are myself. how pathetic again. ahas. it's jus.. hmmm.
im waiting for the arrival of 3 dec. den i will get my pay. act i feel rather pathetic. hahas. perhaps im too greedy. but i feel broke now. hmph. and christmas is coming. ARGH. i haben thot of wad to get for pple. seems like i nid to plannn. hahas. and darn. i haben revise my phys. i haben complete my tutorials. 3D trigo sucks to the core i tell u. i cant even do the first part of the first question. how pathetic.
ask me out for supper. anione. come to my workplace and find me. give me a surprise. i nid to feel loved. all over again.

-

2005-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

yea! my comp is ok alrtd. so i nid not use my bro's tablet animore. :)) and i haf got a new keyboard. nicer to type than the previous one million times! happy. and i feel accomplished. i finished up quite a bit of maths tutorial. and i went to see the 3D trigo lecture online. looks easy. but hard to do. sigh.
now ah ma is staying with us. cos my maid went back to indonesia. i miss her man. now the house feels so weird without her arnd. hmph. i hope she comes back asap. heh. and ah ma is sleeping with me. so ive no privacy. its not tt i mind her arnd. but its jus that im used to having the whole room by myself. and i can stay up till anitime i wan. and on the radio. but now. hafta let her sleep. cos im sooo considerate. and of cos cos i love her. heh. soo cheesy. but i realli do. she took good care of me when i was young. hehs.
sooo i come home late firstly cos of deprived privacy. and secondly of work. so i come home jus sleep. hahas. hardli haf time for ani work. and im getting stress. todae is the end of As. and next yr i will be taking the As. haiyoo. i haben play enuff. and wad. will go to uni and stepped into society. sounds scaryy.
oh did i sae that my work place pple are vv nice. i feel excited for xmas. cos we will be having a party. haha. they are funny and caring. and nice. ok. maybe im new. but still. heh. ive gotta go. feel like doing some maths. :) good bye.
and im glad that u are sharing things with me.

short and sweet.

2005-11-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

work was hell lot of better as compared to the first few days. heh. my legs arent aching tt much. and im being more sociable. and able to communicate better. the onli thing is i seems to be hungry all the time. and i don noe why. haha. and my headwaitress rocks. i like her alot!! she is strict yet funny:)))
and sinhui replied my mail. im happy.
short and sweet.
good nights.

RH

2005-11-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

op is over. finally. pw's paper work is over. finally. **** *** is over. yay!
todae he was absollutely disgusting. the red spots. his blood. the blood stained tissues. his voice. and i cant believe it. he conned u guys into movie. haha. guess for company i guess.
sorry im in a sacarstic mood.
i have no comments for pw.
or even op. or even the paper work.
anihow. my main purpose for this blog is to tell whoever is reading that im working at raffles hotel now. the bakery. hehs.
and to all aunties. after eight. there will be a one for one promotion. so do come and buy. and help me buy the salmon quiche. i wan to eat. it's so tempting. hahas. the food pastries and cake here are super nice. or at least they look super nice. and my head waitress is super pretty. and the malay guys at other department are not bad looking tooo. haha. i sound like a despo but still. thats my motivation ok. i hafta stand for 8 hrs. walk here walk there with high heels. can die lehs. my feet are cracking. my calfs are stretching. thats a good thing. i might be able to grow taller. haha. i feel so crappy. its time for bed. good bye.

op.

2005-11-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

oral presentation sucks. **** *** sucks.
and i have stage fright. that sucks a bigger time. how am i going to get thru on mon. i cant cope.
i cant stand another sight of him. he is sucha silly smelly cow. he made us the last gp. i noe it's our fault. but there isnt the need to keep us till 7 rite. in sch doing nothing for 11 hours. wad the fcuk.
BUT.
something to be happy about: today marks the last op session. no more ---- ---.
oh no i jus rmbed. tues. i hope it wont take long. i hope. i realli hope.

i wan to start work. i very scare. i got this feeling that i will get dua. i wan to start work. im in nid of money. apparently everyone is in need of money. i duno why. but i jus duwan to stay home and let these depressing thots invade my mind. i wan to do something constructive other than memorizing my script and doing anithing that will evoke my hatred for tt ass. oh yes. plus the physics re paper. the maths and chem assignments. and not forgetting the econs mini project which i doubt anione will do.

help. someone. help.

2005-10-16T09:31:00.000-07:00

it has been a long long long time since i last blogged. haihai. i din wan to. but i jus haf so much to sae. cos i felt so much. but i haf no where to displace all these feelings. bcos my comp doesnt work. onli my bro's lifebook does. but he has to bring to sch edae. and he plays dota enight. and i onli get to use it in the late nights. promos jus ended not long time ago. so tt explains my empty blog. yepp. act i duno if it's good to blog. but well. i shall blog when i feel like it. and when i don, too bad.
yupp. where shud i staart. todae i had a mini party at home. mama's idea. i had one last yr. it was a whole lot of fun. but this yr one. was less nicer. oh wells. i duno why. maybe is jus me. =/ hahas. it's jus funny how life works. yupps. im watching ma xiao ling now. uu noe, tt woman is sooo hot. i love her like siao siao. haha. i sound so sick. not forgetting wan yan bu po oso larhs. hahas. but tt show always let me think alot. hahs. those morbid thoughts. yupps. i had sleepless nights. cos i kept thinking. haha. i shant be open with those thoughts. i duwan to scare pple. besides. i cant remember them clearly. hahas. it was merely mild depression. hahaha.
i kept thinking. of u. i kept wondering abt u. i duno why. i want to ask u how haf u been so much. yet when i sit opposite u. nothing came out of my mouth. all i could do was bury my head down. and eat my seemed to be tasteless food. i want to care for u. but i dare not care too much to give u the wrong impression. i wan so much to be the one listening to all u haf to say. i felt so terrible. i felt so arghhhs. i duno wad im feelin also. so weird. maybe. maybe. maybe. maybe is the show again. will uu be like him. pple cant change things. but when things change. they will change the way pple think. how true. nvm la. i shudnt think too much. i shudnt imagine too much. wadever it is. i will be happy for u. i jus hope that there wont be any tears. there wont be any heartbreaking moments anymore. i wud like to empty all my emotions at some point of time. oh wells. tt's impossible larhs. bleh. enough of this.
another point is. sometimes. some pple are jus tooo concern abt themselves. and they onli know how to criticize the pple around them, without realising how self centred and spoilt they can actualli be. and i haf gotten over the oh-i-think-its-my-fault period. i had realised tt im actualli not totally at fault. ok. maybe that's how things work. no one will get along perfectly well with everyone i supposed. no one can be so magnanimous to accept everyone for who they are. talking abt this. it makes me ponder if i had been decieving myself. to accept uu. and uu. i duno. maybe. maybe. i don even noe wad kind of pple i realli associate with. it all depends on my mood. isnt it. or maybe ur mood. whether to like me. or whether to be turned off by me. whether to tolerate. or whether to gif that face of urs. or pretend that nothing had happened. wells. nothing is perfect. but still i wish i could be the perfect thing in everyone eyes. no chance girl. wake up.

msia trip

2005-09-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

msia trip was hell lot of fun. oh man. i kinda miss it now. i miss the food. SEAFOOD! rahh. i love seafood. but i was down with rash on the third day. some say due to the sudden excessive amt of seafood. but i somewad feel that it's too heaty. hahas. but i felt beta after switching to the more comfy bus. heh. slept like a pigggg.
the sceneries were fabulous. the beaches were clean and beautiful. the water fall wasnt as nice. but still nice. i bought myself a nice brown band. hmm. the rocks were intriguing. and the rivers were cool. the trip was insightful. and i learnt alot of geographic term. such as orthogonal. heh. ms tham made us spell. btw. i don take geog. hahas. i wish i had more interest in geog. hahas. but nah. not my cup of tea. heh.
hmmm. act nothing much also. i enjoyed myself. the presence of six one during dinner time and bedtime. and all the laughters. my goodness. wad more can i ask for rrite. i wan another geog trip!!! perhaps a maths trip with mr ho arnd. HAHA. tt will be sooo fun.
nicole was absolutely funny. with her lips and the qi ji zhu. hahas. so retarded. tt silly pork. she lost 2kg. duno real ornot. i bet i put on a few kilos. i shud get my a weighing machine soon. heh. and i simply love them to bits. yaptse was funny. the way he presented his limestone cave was shocking. hahas. i din noe he can be sucha kid. heh. cute in a way.
gab and merv's barbie girl was hilarous. my goodnesss. u shud hear them perform man. lala. it made me and nic laughed like mad. oh yes. not forgetting the bus trip. it was funny. with joyce and the rest. gossiping and making fun of teachers from our own secondary sch. and von with her lameness when we were in the hotel room.
the trip was definitely a good and memorable one. arghhh. hehs.

;)

2005-08-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

lol. the previous entry was blogged by lim mingjie. she has got nothing better to do. but oso good. hahas. cos im realli very busy. i don haf time for blogging. haha. and i don haf much things to sae. cos i don feel like revealing tooo much of my personal life. too bad. if u wanna know. call me den. hahas. i haf free incoming. HAHA. must utilise. if not i lugi. okok. pple take care ok. study hard for promos. i shall blog when im free-er. meanwhile u all can be entertained by mingjie. HAHA.

2005-08-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

hellos! i'm not felicia and felicia is not me! i just happen to know the password of this blog and is currently blogging for her since she's too lazy to update. i hope i'm not gg to be scolded for this. but this isnt crap. since you warn me before not to type crap in this public blog of yours. hahhaa. okie. felicia is too busy with her life. too busy with vball and school work. so she doesnt have the time to update this blog. maybe she will update again when she wants to rant all over again. hahaa. i thank everyone on her behalf who frequents her blog which is not updated and leave feeling disappointed. but it's okie! since it's updated now. tho not by the author herself. hahaa. but i'm someone who considers knowing quite a lot bout her life tho i wonder where she disappeared to these days since my msg wasnt replied. hmfp. but never mind. cos i know she's re-appear again after dealing with her hectic schedule. hahaa. okie. i'm off! (:

editted* she actually did update her blog which i just realise ten seconds ago. just that she saved it under draft which i suppose it's meant for publishing. so the kind me decided to rectify her mistake and post it for her. and since i've wasted at least 5 min typing this entry. so i shall post it too. hahaa. xD

sch.

2005-08-12T08:22:00.000-07:00

heh. longgg time since i last blogged. actualli nothing much to blog. but ydae my vball jnr audrey scolded me for not updating. and i scolded her for not tagging. hah. who ask her to be part of the kaypo who refused to leave their prints. oh wells. nvm. shant blame her tt much. cos she is very very funny. and nice. oritee. audrey u better tag. im singing praise of u. but seriously. she can play volleyball pretty well. besides. she is a newbie. well well. life is unfair. some people work soo hard jus to get the skills right. but yet. she has got some innate skills in her. sooo lucky. i wish i was taller. bahh. but wells. if i were to be taller. i wont be who im. but im contented. i jus hafta work harder.
aniwae. sch has been nice. and fun. ha. we kept gossiping. but it was funny. i shant further elaborate. heh. we noe can alrd. ehh. im jealous. the geog students in my class are going msia for field trip. hai. missing a fri. hai. mind u. a fridae. longest dae of the week. i wan to go too. but i wont give up my chem. my mrs mah. haha. she is realli super funny. i love chem tutorials. i seriously appreciate my tutors. they are good. and funny. mr ho was funny too. todae the class front door was spoilt. and he came in by the back. and when lesson end. he asked us to close the back door. and haha. he tried to open the front door. but couldnt. so he had to walk thru the whole bunch of giggling girls. and leave by the back. ha ha ha.
no time alrd. gtg. update more. byee.

not attached.

2005-07-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

its annoying. super annoying. basically this entry is for those kaypo pple in veejay. who is sooo interested with my life. or gabriel's life. and they even bother to come online and check me out. or randomly come across my blog but thinks that im attached to him. my fellow excedarians. no offence yea?
seriously speaking. i don think anione knows how exactly im feeling abt this whole issue. no one noes the truth. no even myself perhaps. but why. why do tongues wag? why cant pple jus shut up and mind their own business. but actually i cant blame them. bcos i gossip too. and i totally understand why. gossiping gives uu life. a more exciting and interesting life. rite? rite. and i was jus gossiping in class today. it was quite hilarous. bcos it involves almost the whole class. except for the bobo nic. she is ever so slow. =x
alrite i shant side track. my point is. stop speculating. stop spreaeding rumours. stop all the nonsense. bcos im not with him. i think i better repeat myself again. for those who thinks that they had read wrongly. yes. im not with him. for goodness sake. we were never together. and we are not together now. no one noes abt the future. but now. no. are u happy with my answer.
i think pple will prolly think that im hiding or wadever. but im not. wad is there to hide man. we are young adults. we shud be growing up. im not gonna handle this kinda issues like a child. whine whine whine. hide hide hide. if im his girl. i will admit. there is nothing to be shy abt. nothing to hide. but the thing is. im not. sooo how am i suppose to react when i hear all these rumours. when my friends all come and tell me. they heard this and that asking who is felicia. and blah blah blah. spare a thought for me please. my life is in a mess. by interferring with my life wont do me any good my dear victorians. it wont help me clear the mess. silly toads.
now i think of it. im the real silly. cos like as if this entry will shut pple up. but i jus wanna make my status clear. im not attached. yes. not attached. i noe u guys are concern. i sincerely thank you for that. but i wont hide. if it's meant to be. it will be.

school.

2005-07-21T05:59:00.000-07:00

im happy. tml is suppose to be a short day. but we are celebrating racial harmony day. sooo no long day. we are released three hours earli. im happy. bcos friday's time table sucks. tutorials all the way after two periods of econs lect. oh wells. but my class ish super funny. sooo it makes life easier.
i failed gp. ha. i jus knew it. my english is sooo lousy. i duno how. i nid help. ha. help! save me. if not i will drown. lol. like wad manyi said during gp todae. hahaha. she is funny i tell u. everyone is funny. todae we played softball. oh wheee. it's a nice sport. im sooo enthu abt it. but todae's lesson was very slow. cos mr tang teach very slow. but he very funny larhs. teach all the trival stuff. like it makes a difference to us. we are sooo not pro larhs. oh he said me and vonne can go join softball team. so toot. she is already inside ler larhs. -.-" has. it's not that im good. but it's abt the same way as i play volleyball. sooo i can throw hard and fast. yes. compared to other of my reserved female classmates but of cos. lol. he praised me. but i still cannot bat properly. im louya pok. boo. i got gab to teach me how to bat. but in the end. he went off and talk to matthew. soo. i was being abandoned. and yan was there. it was sooo weird. cos we never talk to each other before. lols. and she was throwing the softball for me to bat. haas. wad a nice girl. and good looking. wahhs. i nearli melted. and i was under the hot sun larhs. =x but we talked. and became friends. haas. so :) i made a new friend.
celebrated joyce's bdae. it was nice and fun. i got the nice cake. i smashed her face like siao with the cream. i was being naughty. im alwaes naughty. =x and irritating. heh. i nid to go lerrr. hehs. ;)) im happy. super happy.

guilt.

2005-07-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

i suddenly haf this urge to stop blogging. forever. haas. sounds crazy. but i realised tt there are actualli a lot of pple reading ur blog secretly and not leaving a single print after they read ur entries. and the scary thing is u will never know. who are they. when are they reading. how do they feel abt ur entries. its scary. but i still wan my friends to know abt my life. esp those fellow cedarians. arghhh. sooo i cant possibly stop. ok. come to think of it. do i realli make sense?
the huge mess in my life is diminishing. bcos it's heading to a rather specific direction. unlike a few weeks back. when im sooo unsure of wad i wan. i was so afraid. so lost. so scare. but now. since i noe wad i wan. i shudnt procrastinate. i shud jus clear the mess up. but how shud i go upon doin that. duno. scary. veejay is such a scary place to live in. u noe rumours spread like nobody's business. u duno who to trust. when u look into the eyes of ur friends. u jus dun haf the courage to share things with them. the worse thing is tt. they go abt silently. without u knowing. it's scary. u feel as thou u are being watched every moment. i need to breathe. it's silly. stop it. bcos they are not true. but like as if i can control wad they sae. nvm. i shud be happy. i shant be bothered by wad pple sae. i wont let it affect my life. yes. our life.
boo. deja vu. im scare.

and uu noe. i don deserve u. i duwan uu to think of me. i duwan uu to do tings for me. cos i wont be able to love you back. at least not now. even if i reciprocate, it's out of guilt i guess. im jus sorry. that u hafta face this rejection. i duwan to commit to u. i dun dare to hurt uu. i cant be ur girl. bcos i jus wan us to be friends. tt's the smartest and the safest chioce. i noe u wan to be with me badly. i noe u love me like crazy. i noe all that. but im sorrry. i cant be with you. i don belong to you.

six one.

2005-07-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time since i last felt this way. you made me feel this way. alll over again.

yay. it's weekend again. finally. it's the onli thing i look forward to when im in school. im alwaes tired, lazy, buzy. and of cos looking forward to weekend during the weekdays. yay. i think im goin out later. i cant stand myself. i had been eating in front of the comp since i wake up. was eating prata. my breakfast. n drink coke. i don usualli drink coke at home. and now. still eating. im sucha pigg. maybe too deprived of food in the weekdays. im trying hard to save money. i duno. expanses in college are pretty high. or isit jus me.
sch has been great. i love six one more as the day goes by. the guys in my class are super duper funny. every single one of them. the girls are pretty quiet. haas. but esther is funny. and nicole is funny. yvonne is funny. and im funny. aiyaas. everyone is funny in their own way. thank you for making life in veejay sooo fun. and i sooo love my class. arghhhs. i think we shud mix arnd more. class bonding you noe. you noe. aiya. there is sooo much i wanna share. but den again. time ish running short. im goin out to shop. :)) good bye.

feelingless.

2005-07-13T04:12:00.000-07:00

pretty unhappy this few days. dont ask me why. i duno why. i wan to know why. tell me why.
but i felt quite relieved ydae. he came and talk to me. short but sweet. nice. i teared after tt. i haf been waiting for sooo long. yah. at least there is something to be happy abt. :)) jus felt a lil more happy.
actually im not very very very sad. or very very very happy. im jus normal. maybe there ish nothing to be happy abt. sooo im lydat. i nid to get a life man. im not a party animal. but still i nid to do wad a girl shud do. i nid to shop. i nid to eat. i nid to swim. i nid to come online. im being jus super bored with my life. all i do is train like a machine. and our goal is so far. ok i think i shud set short term aims. to get myself motivated. :) im getting it back. yes i am. i will be wad i was.
it seems like i haf a lot of things to sae. but i jus duno how. and i dun haf the time to. oh wells. it's another tutorial day for me. i nid to get alot of stuff done. yupps. see you. i will come during the weekends. :))

=\

2005-07-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

pms-ing.
im missin school. somehow. =i feel like shit.
i wanna help u. but i duno how. i wan to take awae all the pain inside you. i wan to see the smile. i wan you to be around. i wan to be there for you. i wan you to be happy. but how. how. how. tell me how. and i will do them for you. you noe i feel sooo bad now. hafin fun in school. laughing like mad in lessons. and hafing things i wan. i feel guilty. i wan you to be happy like me. give me the power to do so. i wan you to be noisy. to be happy. to be like you.
i wan you. somehow. i duno if i haf lose you. but somehow. i feel tt you are gone. something is missing. i miss you i think. i think i do. i alwaes thot i wont. and i dont. but i think i am. i think im a bitch. ok. i think i am. i wan you yet i dont. cos i don think it's mutual. cos i don haf feelings. i don feel anithing for you. or maybe i am decieving myself. or maybe im jus running awae. maybe im jus afraid to like you. maybe i do. maybe i dont. do i. or i do not. i wan to see you. i wan to talk to you. i wan to ask u soo many questions. but im afraid of ur answers.
you. i noe i do. but i duwan. and i dont noe if u do. i jus feel sooo insecure. i think i am jealous. why cant i haf u all by myself. but seriously. im happy when im with u. reallli. i wan to be with you. i think of u. but it doesnt work this way. it doesnt. i wan myself to wan you onli. but i cant commit. i wan to please you onli. but i must be responsible. i cant abandon them. they were there for me when i needed them. i cant be wang en fu yi. but you make me happy. i like to see you. i like to spend my time with you. i can never get enough of you. i wan us to live in the world i wan the world to be. its impossible. jus like you and me.
youu. i duno why. it jus somehow hit me hard when i noe that u are not mine. i hate it. when i think of the past. i hate it even more when it din work out. if onli it did. but it's too late. we are not fated. i don like it when i see you and her. i jus don. it doesnt feel nice. i wan you to be mine. somehow. but u wont. and u will never be. if only you were mine. then i wont haf to go thru all these.
and you. wad do u treat me as. why. u came and u left. without even looking back. we were so close. now we are jus hi and bye friends. maybe u are busy. but is that an excuse to chuck me aside. or is it for real. i duno wad am i to you. tell me. im afraid. i think i wont get wad i give eventually. i think i jus miss hafing you arnd. cos i don haf anione to share my joy with now. i don dare to call you when i wan to. im afraid tt u dont wan to talk to me.
yes. nobody likes the feeling of being rejected. n unwanted. and why do i feel this way. it's soo silly. cos u wont haf the best things. you wont haf everything you wan. you wont get to live the life how u wan it to be. life is jus a series of disappointment, followed by death. =\

super super duper duper happy!

2005-07-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

oh yess!!! exams are finally overr! im super elated. wheee. i had made it thru the traumatised week. i think im gonna do quite badly for exams. hais. nvm. shall work harder for promos. denn i will get good progress award. heh heh. but the thing is how well can i do rite. =x hmmm. chem was sucky. i was sooo tired and i cudnt focus on wad i was doin. i was sooo slow. takin my own sweet time. and i panic like crazeee. bahhh. i hope to get an E. hopeee. haas. the rest was as bad. i wonder wad will mr ho and mr chad sae. heck econs. but i studied rather hard for it. i hope i will pass. and hai. it's sooo infuriating to do the chinese paper. bcos i noe how to write the words. but jus couldnt rmb. and out of five, i got three wrong. i shud sae it's 1.5. cos all the words. i correct half. ok. im sooo dissapointed. i hope my compo will pull everything up. wells. i wan distinction. at least a A2. heh.
enuff of fretting abt mid yrs. i was tooo tired ydae to come online after i got home at 11.30. my eyelids were tooo heavy. my legs were breaking. bahhh. i felt as thou i can jus fall into a deep slumber immediately after lying on my bed.
it was tiring. but super duper enjoyable. haas. it wasss funny. hilarous. and arghhh. i sooo love yesterday. haas. thou it was an accident prone day. oh yes. i cut myself accidentally by the today newspaper stand. i came home. and i accidentally cut my index finger with my pen knife. and i nearly slip while carrying the hude and bulky ikea box while walking the longg stretch of citylink path. it was sooo great to see mingjie+co again. wheee. laughed super lot at haagen daz. and ate icecream. :) and drank some diabetic hot chocolate thingy. and the 05S61 pple came and sang vonne a birthday song. haas. and apparently those in blue blouse and grey skirts were shocked by their voices. haas. it was sooo deep. lols. cos most of them were guys. haas. plus joyce larhs. anddd errrs. johnny was funny! haas. he look like a drunkard. lols. ohh. b4 tt we ate fish and chips. haas. at marina. and we walked one whole big round. soo retarded. hehs. but it was nicee. cos no one was there. the place was all ours. heh. den we went town and meet nicole after her jap lesson. it realli halirous. haas. she sang the happy birthday song the pig version for her. haas. and we laughed over heads off. haas. im like sooo in love with yesterday. it has been sooo long since i last had such a great day. oh wheeee.
im goin out for a short shop later. to get someone some stuff cos apparently i heard there ish a 15% storewide discount at flash and splash. all thanks to my dear kerrr. oh my, we are jus sooo auntie. and i simply love being auntie. wheee. kk. i want to watch alot like love tml. i wan to watch initial d. im sooo deprived of watching a good movie. after a long and torturing wk in school.

past four days.

2005-06-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

hmmms. long time nvr update alrd. act nothing much to update. or there is alot. but haa. private stuff. sooo din update. and i din haf the mood too. oh wells. too baddd. =x bahh.
mondae.
i went out with kerr. vien and hua. it's soooo frigging nice to see them again. and spend time 2with time again. oh my. jus how much i miss them mann. we ate sizzler. cannn die i tell youu. every yr we say the same things. donnn eat sooo much next yr larhs. den when the next person's bdae comes. we go eat till we die again. haas. :)) funnn. it was funn. and we watch kungfu mahjionggg. my gooodnessss. haas. it was realli hilarous. muahahs. we sat in the second row. and we laughed like as if we were at home. sooo no yi tai. *tsk* oh wells. they are the ones whom u can laugh as loud as u wan with. cos they will throw face with you tog. not laugh at you. haas. esp cheong yuhua! =x there ish a lil resemblence of ah wang on her. lols. funny. retarded. with a big R. which means Retarded. heh.
tuesdae
i went to tpy mos to study with laine. hehs. sooo long nvr see her alrd. i miss her sooo much. i am surprised that we can talk sooo comfortably despite not communicating with each other for like the past t wo or three months if i din remember wrongly. oh wells. mos was cold. i wonder how much ish their monthly electricity bill. lols. oh wells. and then came to join us. oh boy., she looked as thou she was beaten up. haas. crazzy. and we end up goin crazy. and i force them to think of bdae presents. tt's wad frends are for rite. but i duno if i haf time to get them. arghh. im sooo goin crazy. i nid a car. hmph. i wan to drive. hmph.
wednesday.
where did i go. let me think. ohhhh!!! i went to mos again. with sinhui. act i am stupid. pple once bitten twice shy. i am still bitten the second time. i think i shud jus wear jeans and some wool clothing to tpy mos next tym. lols. errrs. we studied. oh wells. not much act. i did phy and she did chem. i aws intending to finish phys by tues. but i din. aws distracted. i couldnt focus. all whose fault. my fault. darnn. hmph. went home quite earli cos my brain was frozen. and i was suffering fromm migrain. alwaes when sinhui is arnd. haas. duno why. went home. felt very i-duno-how-to-describe feeling. anddd i called mingjie. tt tootie./ she din pick up my call and din call backk. and i was sooo alone. i needed to kill time. i but i couldnt do my work. sooo i went to read my nicholas sparks. he can write well i tell you. haas. and finally. i received the call! i was sooo overjoyed. lols. cos i din haf the courage to call. muahas. i am a loser lar orite.
thursday.
von came my house in the late morning. and we did some work. ha. we did econs mcq together. and we nearli died of depression. ok. maybe its jus me. haas. i read chem too. she was teaching me econs. natural monopoly. it was lame we concluded. ha. and we talked quite alot. and HA. it was insightful. lols. i shudnt be too explicit. but well. im glad that she was around. :)) and after she left. i was on the fone. has. soo many pple called me. finally the toot mj called me. and so did then and gab. sooo i din do ani work. sometimes i wonder. passing mid yr is sooo easy. why am i taking it soo easy. hmph.

lols.

2005-06-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/">What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

happyyy.

2005-06-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

im jus soooo happy. ((:
i had a great day todae.
i went to swim. the sun was strong. i felt motivated to swim. and i swam quite alot.
i went to town.
tcc.
studied a bit.
it was sooo nice there.
i enjoyed myself.
im happy.

happy hol.

2005-06-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

oh yes of cos. ydae was a goood dayy. it was more than perfect. because it was spend with mingjie. oh wells. that silly girl forgot to bring her zara voucher out. sooo silly. lucky i haben leave the house. wheee. sooo she came over instead. yess! and she brought along loads of foood. and yahh. we jus kept eating and eating. i mean wad else can the both of us do besides eat. we were suppose to do homework. and in the end wad happened.? we went to junction eight and watch mr and mrs smith. ha. but the show was greattt. yay! din waste my money. and guess wad. we went there and ate nachos and the chezzy sausage again. i am growing fatter. i cant rmb when was the last time i exercise. oh man. sooo sinful. i am going swimming tml. definitely. hehs. and we talked alot as usual. and did my complete my jigsaw. and sadly. i haf one missing piece. shucks larhhs. i am sooo saddd cann. hais. incomplete. and i did work at night till 4. the stupid radio keep playing incomplete by bsb. spurred my feelings even more. sooo saddd. but i was sooo tooo excited to sleeep. soo i did econs notes. and tried to do maths. but it was hardd. or maybe i am jus stupid larhs. *shake headds*
oh wheee. it's fridae. i had been looking forward to friday ever since duno when. yay. cos i haben seen von for like one wk. ha. i missed her like siao. was busy catching up with ex cedarians. and she went bintan for hols. lucky girl. hmph. oh and she came over in the morning and we did some work. and her back was peeling disgustingly. and all her dead skin was all over the place. which was gross. and i ended up peeling them for her. haas. super gross. oh and we went novena. united square to be exact for lunch. and we went all the way there. jus to eat macs. cos there was nothing nice. =\ and the macs there sucks. oh wells. the fries they gave was cold and not crispy. and it wasnt even filled properly. they shud learn from mos. they haf the weighing machines for fries. hmphs. and mos fries are sooo much nicer. i realli wanna complain. and there were sooo many houseflies. bahhh. cos we had decided to sit outside. cos got mini waterfall and we ate three extra value meals. sooo we nid to hide. haas. but it wasnt our fault. cos it was on offer. buy two sets get one set free. onli for three days lehs. haas. crazzy. and we ate like mad. din finish the disgusting fries. i swear. im not gonna eat macs for the next one month or so. oh yes. and we pic plenty of pictures too. muahas. sooo crazyy.
im gonna mug hard. no time alrd. i don think i can finish thou. haiss. sooo sadddd. well wells. i jus wann to pass. i duwan to fail. i duwan to repeat. hmph.

sentosa

2005-06-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

yes. kerr. i miss you too. but i am missing u less cos we make it a point to play mahjiong every now and den. sooo i love you jus like anione else. :))
yes. huaa. you haf got me alwaes. and i noe i haf got youu. u noe. i love you many many many. i duwan you to be upset. or pretend to be happy. u noe i care. yes. please. take care. becos i care. :))
im going out later. with mj. to zara so that she can proudly use her $50 voucher. den goin to study. cos both of us agreed that spending the whole day walking in town ish such a waste of time. cos i was there on tues. so nothing much left to see. and she is alwaes there. with her fellow cedarians. ha. yes. cedarians love to go town. alwes take 65 from macpherson, bcos we all use concessions. and we are aunties! lol.
but i am still online. cos i am up loading those pics we wook ydae at sentosa. oh yes. i went for 4m gathering if u are wondering. haas. it was uqite pathetc. 11 pple onli. oh wells. i duno if i was welome there. but hell. i had a whole truck of fun. thou i din realli get ani tanner. but the weather was good. at least it wasnt pouring, and the sun wasnt v strong. so i din get burnt. oh wheee. i missed those times when me. hua. kerr. vien went there. the very very first time. sec two tt time. wahhh. like super fun. cos we kept taking pictures. n turn out it wasnt that nice. but the nicest was the sunset. hmph. i looked sooo toot with those kukoo spects. oh wells. memories are memories.
we had fun definitely. esp in the sea water. me hong sonia and sinhui were trying to stuff sand into each others ahem. and i went crazyy. haaas. they all sae i bian tai. but if not liddat not fun marhs. oh wellls. the water was salty as usual. hmph. and we came up and tried to bury becky sng. she was whining and kisking us. but being a spontaneous girl. she allowed us to do that. and it was quite funny. haas. oh yess. she kept wearing my shades. hmph. haa. oh yes. and ezzah was super cute. we were annoying her. bcos she became our maid. haas. me and sinhui were in the water sooo we couldnt eat with our hands dirty. hehs. sooo ezzah was sooo nice. and she fed us. we were like dogs. haas. funny. we saw ex-cedarians. the band pple. oh talking abt band pple. i miss liwen and brig. oh wells. if only they ould make it. i think it will be more fun. hehs.
and we went to bath. and i wore my new shirt. and i felt even more alone after wearing that. yahh. when i was on my way home i thot alot again. act i cant rmb wad i was thinking so it's call stoning. oh wells. and i was soo annoyed. cos no one wanted to talk to me on the fone. felt soooo dejected man. mmm. nvr make full use of my free incomin. but i went to find the si zhu. cos she was all alone at ikea. sooo yahhh. i din wan her to feel the same. so i decided to keep her company. and she could keep me company too. but sad thing was ikea was closing. it was quite late. 9 plus. and well. had to go home. and went separate ways. hmph. and i took the non-aircon 93 double deck. and the journey was long and windy. and lonely. haas. went home. i slept. the more i stay awake the more annoyed i got. sooo i slept till this morning. oh wells. i duno wads wrong. i jus hope that todae will be a good dae. =\ hoping.

occupied

2005-06-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

sooo happy that laine bothered to tag me. haas. i was browsing thru her opendiary. but i realised that there is nothing much for me to tag. must be too many private entries alrd. i miss her sooo much. i wanted to call her the other dae when i was crying like shit. but i didnt. cos i thot it was funny. cos soo long nvr talk to her alrd. den duwan to scare her. lols. but she was the one who was there for me during my stressful O level period. to hear me rant. i miss her like crazzy. oh wells i guess we are jus tooo caught up with our lifes that we haf no time for each other. i hope she is doin fine thou. and taking care of herself. and thinking of me. haas. it was rather funny for her to think that i cant rmb my darrlinngggg. lols.
todae. had an eventful dae with sinhui. i am sooo tired. my legs are breaking. they are killing me. haas. we walked soo much. and bought quite alot of things. but i got a saddistic shirt for myself. and the rest are for other pple. oh wells. i love others more than i love myself. damn sad. i shud be selfish. haas. and dote myself more. or find someone to dote me more. hehs. had fun. at least i was able to keep myself occupy sooo that i wont hafta think of silly and unnecessary stuffs. its reali a very waste of time. lols. but still cant help thinking. ok. stop. i shud stop. i pigged alot todae. sleep and eat. hehs. we spend quite alot on food. hehs. the prate with sausauge was impressive and delicious. hehs. gonna eat that again next time when i go to taka. hehs. and we ate pretzels. cos both of us had the cravin to. but that suaku. she nvr eat b4. so we ate the cinnamon one. she that kukooo. she was sooo kukoo till she forgot how cinnamon taste like. n ask me how does it taste like. but i realli din noe how to ans. craze. and ate icecream. i seriously think that chocolate and mint is the best combination. whheee. i enjoy eating. and there goes our fasting plan for tml's class outing. act i am excited. somehow. hehs. to carry the cheapo ikea bag and play bridge with lihong. and take lotsa picture.
i love taking picture. finally i bought the memory card with my own money. i hope mummy returns money to me. but i scare. we argue over that again. how annoying. bahhh. oh yes. i think i am gonna buy ipod mini. oh yes. soon. when i haf the money. anione wanna sponsor me. ani kai zi? lols. oh wells. i am jus very scare. very scare of the future. i duno wad will happen. i duwan anithing to happen. cos i wont noe wad to do. and wad choice to make. i shall jus procrastinate. wait and see. heh heh.

trepidation-

2005-06-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

i miss you. it's crazy. i spend time thinkin about you before i sleep. sooo much time. thinkin about those wonderful time we had. and thinkin about what will happen in the near future. im soo afraid to lose you. im so afraid that things will change. im jus sooo afraid. come back to me. come back n o w.
im afraid to lose things. my things. i hate it when they jus slip off my finger. without me knowing. and without my consent. be it things or people. it hurts. to feel unwanted. yes. it hurts bigg deal. i jus wan this feelin to go away. i know that things will not be the same. like those happy times we had. or was it. those unhappy times we had. ha. it's crazy. i cant even tell when i am happier. now or before. when last time we fought like nobody's business. or now. when things are jus fine. maybe too fine. maybe im jus being paranoid. i am beginning to think that pple are onli pretendin to like me. and are onli saying the things that i wan to hear. jus to make me not so sad. i cant sae happy. cos. i kinda forgot how it feels to be happy. when was the last time i was genuinely happy. i cant evn answer myself. was it tt dae when i caught up w my oldie frends. or was it tt day when i dined with u. or was it tt dae when we studied. i realli duno.
maybe he was right. i am a failure. yeas. i am. those certs. those money. those fame. they are fake. they were all lies. they were jus a dream. and i jus broke up from a broken dream. it wasnt bcos i was competent. it was jus bcos i was lucky. i was jus lucky in that blue blouse and grey uniform.
im losing confidence once again. help. :'(

2005-06-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

i baked cookies todae. they were sooo lovely. in heart shapes. oh yes. and they are sooo delicious. they are staring at me. so tempting. arghhs. haf a whole box. for mingjiee. and oh yes. engkiat tml. hope they will cheer her up abit. yes. i eat those ugly ones. and saved the nicely cut one for them. oh crap. its like sooo duh rite. i love mingjieee sooo much tt i wont bear to gif her those louya pok one to eat. if not she will sae i am bias and all the crap tt i noe she will sae. lalas. i bet she is fuming while reading this para. but hecks. u jus nid to noe i lovee you dear. :)) oh yes. my love cant be shy animore. tt's a lesson learnt todae. but aiyaas. i shy wad. cant help it. lols.
oh noo. i haben been touching my school work for the past four daes. which ish badd. reall bad. cos hols is ending.tml is week two. fridae. oh no!! some one shoot me. for procrastinating. oh crap. i lost all my motivations. my momentum of doing work. cries. somebody jus shoot me. n throw me into the sea. den i wudnt nid to face all the notes. and tutorials. hehs. oh no. i am crapping. its 2am in the morning. and i am soo high now. lols.
alrites. todae is a happy dae. :)) cos i had swensens bake rice for dinner. i felt sooo satisfied. ha. it has been quite some time since i ate sumting nice. and yes. i cant even rmb when was the last time i bought myself things. ha. act i jus rmbed. my nike sling bag. till now, i still haben put back the money i used. i paid by netts. why wud i bring soo much money. ha. yupps. and im hugging my fei now while typing. i realli don feel like sleeping. im jus blogging and writing testis for pple. enjoying myself typing in pitch dark. crazzy.
yahhs. and i gave a piece of advice to my darlin then. -pple alwaes sae time changes everything. but actualli they change everything themselves.- i cant rmb where i got it from. but wells. i think it does make alot of sense. another lesson learnt. ((:

untitled.

2005-06-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

I open my eyes
I try to see
but I’m blinded by the white light
.I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonigh
tAnd I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I want to start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when
Nothing mattered
And I can’t explain
What happened and I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
untitled.

its wrong

2005-06-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

its wrong. its sooo fucking wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. i knew it all along.
i wan to stop. i tried. but i couldnt. stop fallin.
so wad if u are true. soo wad i cant stop thinking abt u. it's still sooo wrong. shoot me.
i wanna turn back time. and take everything back.
i wanna run. i wanna run awae from everything.
i wanna sleep. soo that i dont nid to wake up and think of all these perplexity.
why was i soooo stupid. soooo foolish. why din i hold back. why did i make it happen. i knew it would. somedae. somehow. somewhat. why didnt i choose to stop it. when it came.
why. why. why must this happen to me.
u noe u are impt. u noe u mean alot to me. u noe i duwanna lose u. i dont rmb myself telling u that. but u noe it urself. i am sure.
u noe the last thing i wanna do is to hurt u. but i think i jus did.
it's wrong in that way. it's wrong. we noe it's wrong. stop it. stop it. lets stop it. lets make it stop together.

happpy day!

2005-05-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

i am using my bro's laptop now. he ish sooo nice to me. todae. i am sooo happy. hehs. cos i wanted to go online. but the house comp the msn got prob. sooo he offered me his laptop. and taught me how to use and alll. sooo kind and nice.. i think he has grown up alrd. ha. i rmb those days when we used to throw things at each other and ignoring each other's presence. and saying hurting words to each other. arghs. those days were horrible. and i hated him. i dislike having him arnd. but now. as time passes, pple change. and i am glad that he has become more matured. i hope he becomes a gentleman. cos he is quite shuai. and all the girls will go gaga over him. and i will be sooo proud. haas. cos i will be like. "HA. thats my brother u noe. don be jealous." ((((:
went to support hockey todae. yays. the girls got champion. but the guys lost to rj 2-0. but nvm larhs. they are good enuff to make it into finals. cos they are the underdogs. hehs. sooo happy. tml might haf full dae. or half dae oso can. :)) yays. met sinhui todae. and company. happy. yays. there are sooo many things to be happy abt. so much so that i can jus leave the things i nid to be bothered abt aside. i ate alot for dinner. ha. hungry larhs. ohhs. i must mention. todae PE was great. played scoccer. i thot the guys were flaunting their skills at first. cos they duwan to pass to the girls. but slowly, we jus had fun. cos i was laughing like shiat. make the best out of it marhs. since it's the last pe of the term. and might be the last pe i will haf with the class. cos i haf blue slip. hehs. no nid pe for college rep. lala. out of point. oh i love veejay. but i miss cedar. ydae when i was cheering for the scoccer team. i felt the passion. but definitely not as strong as those when i was still in cedar. somewhat. somehow. sometimes, i will feel my goosebumps coming out when i cheer for vj. i think jus haben get used to it larhs. alrites man. i will try! positive.
i wanna run awae. from you. you are treating me as if i am already yours. i feel like the way i did again. i need space. i need to breathe. i need freedom. i need a break from you. stop all ur nonsense. stop liking me.

dyinnn

2005-05-18T04:24:00.000-07:00

i feel like shit. like shit. like shit. no one will understand. seriously. i dont think anione will. bcos i don even understand. i duno how to salvage this. i duno how to keep my passion burning. i duno how to go on with all this. defeatin is depressing. but i feel like quitting. i really do. cos i wanna run awae from you. from everything that has got to do with that thing. that round thing. haas. lame shit.
i noe i will nvr be as good as her. i duwan to do all the things she does. i duwan to live under her shadow and be like her. but why must u expect me to do the same way. i really dont like it. i dont even noe who am i and what am i now. i feel sooo different. from those years in cedar. i was sooo comfortable with everything. the teachers. my friends. and everything under the sun. i was the one happy kid. but look at how things are now. everything is sooo fucked up. dammnn. but i feel sooo comforted with pple close to me around when things go wrong. it jus keeps me going. ((: thank you. loves many many. -mwahs.

2005-05-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

fcuked up.i am tired. of ur expectations. i am tired. i cant meet them. i realli cant. they screwed up my life. they destroy my self esteem. they make me feel guilty all the time. they haunt me whenever i am alone.
why must u expect sooo much from me.
why must u expect in other word, force me to do things that i don wan to.
why must u make me feel guilty. why. it's not mine fault.
why must u think that i don care.
why must u make things worse.
the care and love should come from the heart. i think i am showing it bcos u wan me to. i am doing things becos u wan me to. bcos u will be hurt. u will anihow think. u will this u will that.
why cant u jus be contented.
why cant u count ur blessings.
so what if i dont look as thou i care. my life doesnt revolves around you onli. you you you. no. thats not the way. i haf my own priorities. my own circle of friends. i need time to maintain my relationship with own circle of friends. i duwan to lose them jus bcos of u.
why must u manipulate my life.
why must u be lydat.
hate is not the word. suffocated is. go away. i wan to see no more. listen no more. feel no more.

mother's dae

2005-05-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

lols. i am soooo happy now. cos i jmade my mummy happy. i bought her a super duper nice heart shape cake. wheee. with two big fat strawberries on top. and one fake purple carnation. and the happy mothers day thingy. haa. she was sooo cute and lame. she sae she wanna keep the carnation. den wad keep every yr if we haf the liang xin to buy. sooo see till when we wont haf liang xin. and my toot bigger younger bro. he ish like soooo cheapo. and stingy. he duwan to split the cost okayyss!!! and my youngest brother wanted to. but apparently. no cash in coming to me. hmph. i am sooo broke. after i spend eighteen dollars impulsively on that cake. how i wish i noe how to bake such beautiful cakes. ahhhas.or shud i sae. how i wish i haf the time to spare to bake such beautiful cakes. i noe i can bake. haas. if i wan to learn. lala.
oh yes. i am sooo happy. todae is a happy dae. jus that i haben finish my physics tutorial. and my chinese test. shiat. i am like the laziest person in six one. and the worse student. i failed both my chemistry and physics test. how smart can i get. wheee. i slept alot alot this weekend. cos i don haf training animore till further notice. hehs. soo i practically slept from 1am to 12 plus. sat morning. and i slept at nine plus sat night to nine sundae morning. wad a pig. i sleep to prevent myself from thinking too much. sometimes. i wish i could sleep till eternity. and not get tired of sleeping. and sometimes i jus wish i could runnn. runnn forever. and not feel the latic acid bulding in my muscles. and not collapse. or perhaps swim. i alwaes prefer swimming to running. =x oh yes. i realised that the onli way to stop missing a person is to spend time with him or her. yahhs. i miss youuu.

third

2005-05-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

orites. we came in third. that's sumthing to be proud of. cos we beat anderson junior college. when we lost to them in the quarter finals. arghss. i duno wad exactly to feel. mixed feelings. bcos if onli we beat them in the quarters. den we wouldnt haf met nyjc and we might haf gotten into finals instead. alot of regrets larhs. but hai. nvm. it's all over. and we are all happy and proud of ourselves. to be third. all cried larhhs. happy till cry. cos the match was realli a good one. and a tough one. it somewad felt like a finals match. with the anderson and victoria student councillors cheering awae. i cant even hear myself can. tsk tsk. yahh. and all the if onlys came to my mind. but wad to do. it's all over. i wonder how would the final match be. i really wonder. nvm. there is alwaes next year.
i really love every single one of my teammates. they are realli nice pple. pple who went thru every single thing i went thru for the past six months. some of them one yr plus. yahhh. and we share the same victory. thou not a champion title. but at least a third. and wads more. the love that grew in us. we shared the same goal. we walked the long and tough journey. and everything has come to an end. thou not a perfect one. but in my heart. we are the champion. :) alwaes will be. i duno wad else to sae. i am jus very touched by wadever that has happened and all. i feel that i am one of the reasons for us not getting that far. if onli i had done better. i duno. i feel sooo guilty and alll. hai. i realli feeel bad. realli bad. but why am i the onli one u blame. who is the one having high expectation. me or you. i cant seemed to be able to sort out my feelings. what else do u wan me to do. i tried. i realli did. but sumtimes. best is not enough. and life is never fair. life is never fair.

2005-04-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

ething is so f-up. f-up. and still f-up. we din get into finals. and i am to blame. i am to blame. it's like the saddest thing that can happen to us. we were sooo near onli. if onli we din lose to aj tt dae. if onli. realli. there is no turnin back. but all i can feel is that the wound is opening up again. and this time round. it hurts even more. the scar would be deeper. i can feel it's bleeding somewhere. the flow of blood cant stop. it hurts a great deal. and wad to do. no turning back. everyone is sooo upset by the loss. and i mean everyone. the SCs were there supporting. and there we were playing like sai. and i am realli very useless. alll i did was cry and cry and still cry. i was soooo scared and lost. like i realli duno wad to do. nothing could calm me down. and i could see failure coming. hais. duno larhhs. there is nothing we can doo alrd. we are jus not good enough. neither can i believe is a three zero match, mr ng.

it's been a long time

2005-04-24T02:08:00.000-07:00

hehs. it's been a long time since i last blogged. arghs. cos i din noe wad to saee. haas. waas feeling alot about something. but i din wanna blog it down sooo that everyone can see. sooo i blogged it elsewhere. haas. kinda spastic. well wells. i jus finish my PI. and i am sooo satisfied and pleased with myself. sooo tiring. and draining. but guess wad. i still have one whole mountain of work waiting to be done. which is sooo bad and irritating. bcos i am alrd feeling very sleepy and worn out. cant blame anione or anithing. cos ydae i spend my whole saturadae w/o doing work. i had training in the morning. had class bbq at night. and wadd i talked on the phone till three plus in my disgusting bbq outfit. =\ kinda sucky thou. wells. who cares. i had the whole room to myself. sooo i slept at 4 and woke up at 12. thats like 8 hours onli. and my throat is dry like duno wad. arggh. i din eat much bbq food ydae. =\ sooo sad. the food was relli great. all thanks to joyce. who took the pain to organise it. thou it din realli work out fine. apparently there is still this ultimate and uncrossable barrier btwn the guys and the girls. oh wells.
but deyang was realli funny. realli very very funny. =x it's realli for laughters to tears. my tudi is soooo funny. and paraniod. grrr. and wells. i caught up alot with angelina. talking to her can be quite a pleasure i realised after she left. and i was envious of her. bcos ignorance can be a bliss sumtimes. the whole atmosphere wasss sooo i duno how to describe. if onli meiqi and gladys were there. i realli miss the both of them lots. but wells. i am contented that i had nic and von there to laugh with me. and of cos the toot manyi.!! oh. joyce house is sooo huge and nice. she beat julian's sia. i wanna migrate there some dae. her room is PERFECT. my dream room. grrr. but i love my messy room still. hehs.
tml haf match w srjc. if we win, we will get into semis. we are sooo near. reaching soon. sooo exciting. i wonder wad will happen on tues. hai. saddds. i am sneezingg. like shit. i duwan fall sick. please take care of me. someone.

2005-04-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

haas. i am in sucha good mood this weeek. duno why.. hehss. oriteees. i came online. cos i saw sinhui ydae. she was complaining abt my blog. sae my entries too long. she lazy to read. so i mus update more often. with shorter entries. well wellls. i am sucha nice and openminded girl. accept her opinion. but it was rather common sense. whie would pple bother reading such long entries. oh wells. other den my darling mingjie of cos. i hafta mention bcos i noe she will read. every single word that i type. lala.
todae is thurs. jus had training. woohooos. shaggg. superr. but i am still eating in front of the comp. haas. some dessert thingy. sooo i wasnt in the mood to do work with a full stomach. sooo i came online. hehs. todae is my captain's bdae. i bought the cake worrs. like i went arnd the whole bishan area when i was alrd sooo tiring jus to buy her cake. wahhs. i am sooo proud of myself. =\ oritees. nothing much happened todae. cos it was a rather short dae. training was jus fine. jus a bit distracting. cos the cheering for the scoccer guys were sooo loud. i think they trash rj. woohooos. sinhui!!! nehnehniboobooo. oh but ydaee!!! was super duper fun. and niceee. cos i am suppose to meet mingjie. but she went to watch sports heat instead. sooo i went to nj with evon instead. and i msg huaa. ask her to meet me there while i wait for her. soooo cooool. we toook soooo long to get there. by the time we reach there. the LT2 was packed. nj is sooo budget.okay thats besides the point. sooo me and hua were in the canteen. drinking bubble tea and talking. and trying to do our work. but physics is sooo hard larhs. den suddenly i heard this voice saying -isnt that felicia- soo i turned. and i saw SAMANTHA TIO WAN RU!!! haaa. den we screamed and exclaimed our excitement and happiness. haaa. i was realli realli happy to see her. it was kinda weird to meet her at nj. cos both our schools are in the east. and its weird that i had nvr ever seen her in parkway b4. oh wells. weird. mm. n she went nj not bcos shhe is involve in the taiwann thingy. it's bcos of amanda. haas. and tt was the reason whie i was there too. haas. it's funny how things work nowadaes. \= soo we were sitting arnd talking. but it felt abit weird tooo. haas. soo nvm. den suddenly got this very loud EHH.. and guess wad. it's SINHUI!!! haas. first time i see her in rj uni. she looked smart. and nicee. haas. and i screamed even louder!!! bcos i was realli vvv happy!! haas. i wanted to run and give her a tight hug but she was too far awae. and sumtimes it's rather weird to hug ur close friends. duno. tt's wad i feeel thou. easier to hug those not sooo close friends. duno whie. sooo happpy u noee!!!
ohhh yaa. and we beat sajc on mondae. 2-0. tt's another thing to be happy abt too. yeaa babyyy. :) we are one step closer to our dreams i supposed. yesss. we nid to get into finals badly. realli. badly. haii. hopefulli we can make it. we had been trainin sooo hard. sooo hard. yupps. tml against cj. hopefully will be okay. yupppss. wish me luckkss.

wk threee

2005-04-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

ahas. yo! i am here againn to update. in case ani niceee souls wanna noe abt my lifee. oh wells. i shall jus make the effort to update my blog sooo that pple who doesnt get to see me often can read it and noe hows my life and blah blah blahh. oh wells. i realli haf not enough time too blog everydae.so once a week will do. but who will bopther to read such long entries ritee. wadeva larhhs. haas. orotee. this week wasnt a goood week. orite. let me recalll. hmmm
mondaeee.
mondaee was fine. but i was sooo looking forward to school. hehs. miss my classmatess quite a bitt. oritee.stay back for gym. dennn me and mingfern stayed back to do work. together with evon and gab. coos they offered to wait for me. argh. i feeel sooo blessed to haf them. it was rather funnyy. bcos i was super auntie. hehs. some girl was standing in front of the vending machine. with that werid expression on her face. sooo we offered help! to shake the huge vending machine sooo that hopefully her almond m&ms can fall out. u mus understand vj's vending machine is kinda retarded. =x oh wells. sooo i offered to put another dollar in soo that her almond m&ms will fall out. hehs. but mine got stuck in stead. sooo we went to the bookshop. hoping that the uncle will help us rescue the m&ms. but in the end. the ah-pek ask me to write down my name and return me a dollar. which is great. bcos. i dont realli like to eat almond. but the main point is. i was swinging evon's hand sooo hyperly till her fone flew out of her palm. which was sooo alarming. cos the fone flew and bang to the window. and accelerate towards the drain followed by a "BANG!". our hearts dropped and there was a deep scratch. shucks larhhs. i felt sooo guuilty u noe. cos it's her precious fonee. she super protect her fone that kind. unlike me larhs. haas. duno drop how many million time. sooo yahhh. darn. after she left for church. i went j8 for dinner w gab. and we went arnd searching high and low for her fone's housing. so we went all the way to toapayoh. =\ roamin arnd. but in the end. i bought a small bu-k of flowers. cos the covers were tooo expensive. tooo badd. alritees. we met this pair of middle age couple singing "yippee-ai-ai-yippeee-yippeee-ai" cos the shop was playing that song. sooo retarded. we laughed like maddd. haas. funniieee.
tuessdaeee.
had training. was quite bad. cos coach was in a bad mooddd. he had some disputes with cedar tcher in charge cos of the b div match. sooo we were sooo intimidated by him. it was super scaryy. butt we jus trained hard cos the comp is coming. starting on mondae. time is running out. shucks. hmph. and i recieved mj's leta. wahs. sooo super duper sweet. she folded the straw stars. oh well. nobody had done that for me. she is the first. soooo i hafta treasure them cos she said she fold till her fingers v suan. oh wells. she is sucha sweet girl. hehs. ohhh. and mr CTrep msged me. and i ignored. cos i duno wad to saee. oh wells. wadeva. i think he is a bastard. pardon me for being mean. but arghh.
wednessdaeee.
had schhhool. it wass boringgg. recieved the pw question. wahhh. like sooo super hard. i was sooo stressed up u noee. and arghs. hope everything wud be fine. hopefully i will haf nice gp mates. *scaress. well the softball guys had their first match against rj. oh wells. they under performed. poor guys. but cant blame them larhhs. rj is very very strong marhhs. it rained in the middle of the match. everyone thot there wud be a rematch. but they changed the rules and everything. sooo yah. they lost. and that was the first softball match i had witnessed. haas. sooo interesting and excitinggg. hehs. and yvonne was explainin how the game works and alll. haa. i cheeered a bit. cos i scare i will haf retribution when my nationals come. arghhs. this is sooo crazzeeee.
thursdaeee.
had training again. supperrr tiringgg. realli can die. was feeling quite abnormal. like i haf sooo many things to sae but yet i dunooo what tooo sae. and i chose not to in case i piss pple off or make things worse. maybe i think too much. buttt stil i feel sooo suffocated and i reali felt like hiding and keeping myself awae from everyone. wadevaa larhhhs. but nowww okay alrd. cos i finally open up and said wad i wanna sae to my friend. at least i confide to someonee. haaas.
fridaeeee.
phewwws. soooo relieveed. yahhh. i said wad i am suppose to sae. and alll. hhaaas. okay doks. i went town wif yvonne after the long schhoool daee. soooo yahhs. we went to eat secret recipe. i ate the classic cheese cakee. rockss like siaoooerrs! n she ate espressso cheese cake. but i think mine is nicer. =x okayys. we sat there and talked quite abit. and i was playing wif the lemon in the ice lemon tea. oh wells. it was rather disgusting and disturbing for her i guess. cos i went crazzeeee poking the leomn. haas. den after that we jus walked arnd roamed ard. cosss i jus felt like walkingg. i lurve strolling at night. i enjoyed her company. :) she isss jusss sooo patient and sweet. yepps. n benjamin was funny. cos we saw him on 36 when we were going there. n when we were on the train. we saw him again! sooo funny. he is lame. and spastic. haaa!!
satturdaeee.
had outdoor trainin. it was quite okay. the weather wasnt very scorching. yupps. and training was quite slack. bcos we are hafing our first game on mondae. soooo yahhh coach and everyone else was very tensed up. cos we were afraid that we might get injured. but the core player. our dearest setter. still sprained her ankle. minorr sprain larhhs. dennn we were sooo uptight. aiya.. hopefully she will recoverr. we relli nid herrr. hmph. the combined schools selection was cancel. and i went to coach's house to accompany his wife play mahjiong. together w three other pple. and i went to visit evon b4 tt. haa. cos quite near. and we were playing the tikam. haa. super cutee and interestinggg. anddd her mummy was funny. haas. cuteee!!! but tooo bad. can onli stay forrr a short while. less than an hour if i nvr rmb wrongly. sooo saddd. ohhh. after mahjiong. we wet jln kayu for prata. and talked quite alot. haas. it was funny and entertaining. and i sat LRT for the first time. sooo excitingg. yahhh. and i went to meet evon again. cos she was at bishan mac. attending a 19-yr-old bdae party. sooo kiddo. and oso she said she had things to tell me larhhs. and that sweetie. she walked me home. oh wells. wad can i saeee other than thankyouu? :)) and yuhua made me call her in the middle of the night. and i dailled her hp no when i was half awake and i've got the wrong no. sooo emcbarrasssing. and she went crazeee. haas. funnnyyy. i was sooo sleepy at first. but after that i was paying attention alritees.
sundae..
i went to watch wedding date and played ppoool. it was funn!! haas. i woke up quite late 11 plus. but tt's bcos i slept at 2 plus. oh wells. i did trigo. =\ it was rather tedious bcos i forgot everything alrd. suddenly i miss mdm lum. hmph. yahhhs. later gonna prepare myself for tml's game. yeaaa baby. :) saint andrew's here we comee. wishhh meee luckks. hehs.

first week of sch.

2005-04-01T05:07:00.006-08:00

term two week two jus ended. haas. school realli rocks sia. everydae is sooo fun. it's jus that mondae was weird. maybe bcos we all miss each other too much and yet duno wad to sae. sooo it was quite tense. and all the oh. i miss my classmates sooo much during the super long wkend. bahhh. i felt as thou something was missing. bahhs. muahahs. but school is reali fun to haf funny pple like nicole and yvonne arnd. reallli can laugh like maddd. everything is funnyy. lala. but if one sian. all will sian. oh wells. they still think that i am scary. i duno whie. maybe i shud jus reflect. but i realli dun see anithing wrong. somebody pls tell me whie. i realli very fierce mehhs. this is making me feel saddd.
mondaee. was a rather bad dae for me. din talk much. cos i was super duper moody. was thinking alot alot alot. abt everything. and i din wanna talk bcos i scare i will offend pple or wadsoeva. duno whie, it din seem right. oh wells. aniwaes its over. and i am sooo glad it's all over. :) but we went to eat swensen's ice cream after school. sooo cheap. five scoops $3. haas. topless five. and the happy thing was. i get to see meiqi and gladys. gosh. i miss them sooo much. they are soooo lovable. hmrfs. cries. maybe that was the reason whiee we were sooo gloomy. and the weather wass grey. grrr.
tuesdae. was a long dae. super long. hai. but it was okay. much beta than mondae. laughed quite abit. nicole got the sudden addiction to the tasty biscults. dennn she kept eating. every break oso can seee her eat. sooo i was bored. and was in a mischievious mood. sooo i went to bite of her biscult off. cos she was sticking it out. sooo my class girls were like ewwwing and ahhing. it was quite funny thou. cos they even wanted to take pictures. goodness me. but most of us were okay wif it.cos like outta 10 girls. eight from girls' school. haas. tt explains whie it's hard to interact wif the guys. hai. cos many guuys in my class are from boy's school. wadeva lohs. -_-"
wednesdae. short dae. happy. did gym. tt girl finally came. wad the ****. wadevaaa larhhs. she alwaes liddat one. hmph. soo angry. so after tt, me and mf and her stayed back in the canteen. with some softballers. haas. gab and ben tan. it was FUNNY. realli funny. haas. mf was super duper retarded. i was laughing the whole timee. din do much work thou. hmrfs. quite badd. but after tt i went macs wif gab to complete some work since it was earli. like still can seee the sun. haas. nowadaez going home b4 sunset is weird for me. ahas.
thursdae. sch was fine. jus that the noodle uncle teacher wasnt that funny todae. hmrfs. sads. but me n nicole had fun laughing at psychedelic. and psydechelic. sooo stupid. cos of my colorfull file. heh. but on my left hand side, evon was sooo scare and sad. and duno wad. i felt bad cos it's started cos of me. but i cant help it. wells. sorrry. mm. had friendly. wif temasek poly. was rather scare at first. but slowly. beta alrd. haas. cos i was quite determined to overcome the mental stress and fear. sooo yepps. i did it. i am still sooo proud of myself. ahas. zai. hopefully sat's frendly against phs. will be like thurs. we hafta work doubly hard. i hafta too. cos i see the future. i see our future. the champion will be yours. if u work for it. yeas. i belief. and i hope. den after the friendli. i was super duper hungry. soo me and bon and mingfern went parkway to eat. i ate curry chicken rice. and i felt satisfied! shucks i am drooling now! =x
friday. nice dae. i love fridae. duno. it's sooo interesting. thou it's all tutorials. but i prefer them to lecture. especialli chem tut. i love it man. it's alwaes sooo funny. but i was feeling rather stress the whole dae. cos i am sooo lagging behind. tried to do hw and all. wasss soooo streesssed up and tired. physically tired due to ydae's match. mmm. it got worse during maths. mr ho. was super fast and me and him were in a super duper frequency. hard to tune.cos i was almost dead. i din eat much todae. din haf the time and mood. until after school. i stayed back to doo a lot of work.and replied a leta. and went for dinner at serangoon. oh, it was great. :) yupps. next time mus ask more pple. more funn.
oh no. my bro is snoring sooo loudly. =\ and i am typing in the dark again. cos the toot comp is in his room. hais. beta still. if comp is in my room. it willl be soooo smalll. oh wells. alot of pple nvr reply my msg. hmph. don like them ler.! si sinhui. u are one of them. booohooos. happy april's fool dae, btw.

first week of sch.

2005-04-01T05:07:00.004-08:00

first week of sch.

2005-04-01T05:07:00.003-08:00

first week of sch.

2005-04-01T05:07:00.001-08:00

first week of sch.

2005-04-01T05:07:00.000-08:00

2005-03-27T04:46:00.000-08:00

had a long hols. tml goin back to school again. haas. quite excited. but still in holidae mood. oh wells. nvm. shall try to haf fun.. :) went to stay over at mingjie's place ydae night. i feel guilty man. super sinful. cos had gathering at coach's house in the afternoon after outdoor training. denn before that i told my mummy i staying over at his place wif rest of them.but in the end. everyone left sooo earli. so i felt like leaving too. cos reali no mood marhs. so i left. and had decided to stay over at mingjie's place. cos very long time nvr talk to her ler. and was quite worried abt her and her sister. lalas. i thot they wud argue over their tootie bros. haas. but they quarelled quite alot la. over lame stuff. haas. stupiddd. sooo silly. sooo. yahh. i bought prata for her from jln kayu. and after we ate, washed up and talked till 4 in the morning. and we fell asleep. my sweet lil girl. she sacrifise her darlin bed for me. i got to sleep on the dirty bed of hers. and she slept on the floor, with mattress of cos. but i din sleep well cos her house is super noisy. as in outside the house. in the morning. and i was v guilty of sleeping on her bed. sooo i kept waking up to check on her. haas. yepp. sooo in the end i was the firstto wake up. how wonderful hosts are they. i am the guest and i was the first to wake up. and i was sooo bored. and hungry! haas.
ohhh. but i spend my time writing her a postcard. haas. it was quite fun actualli. andd of coss i was beaming with joy cos i realised that i haben drifted from her. i alwaes thot we did. cos i alwaes haf sooo much to tell her. but yet. duno where and how to start. but ydae night was realli nice cos i had the chance to tell her lotsa stuff that i wanted to ever since duno when. well wellls. it was realli a memorable dae. yepps. love her like siaooerrs.the feelin is sooo super duper nice. :)

2005-03-25T05:50:00.000-08:00

went to watch spongebob squarepants ydae. it was soooo immature. i felt sooo stupid watching it. but it was quite lame. ahas. had breakfast w my neighbour. den went to watch that lame show together. the coffeebean in junction is like a freezer. they on the aircon like nobody's business. was cold like siaoo. den we sat there and talk cock. it was rather fun actualli. aiya i duno larhs. average. after tt went training. it was tough thou. cos coach was very fierce. scary. scary. supe duper scary. but beta den he nvr sae anithing. it will be even worse. oh wells.
i went out with sinhui todae. late aftn. cos i woke up like super late. arnd 2. cos i was talking to my classmate on the fone till 7am? haas. stupid girl. soooo annoyingg. it was sooo embarrassing and sickening. i cant believe i actualli did wad i did. read my diary to her. sooo paisehh. hais. haas. ohhh.me and sinhui wanted to watch movie. butt all sold out. it was sooo scary.. sooo many pple. tsks. so we walked arnd heeren. and went to eat nydc. kinda rocks. the desserts realli very nice. (: yumm. and i finally consume my pasta. wanted to eat since duno when. cravings. has. i am sooo full now. came home and ate lotsa stuff too. wells. maybe becos i am thinkin too much. and guess wad. i haben bath yet. muahahs. super sticky and smelly. but who cares. i am owaes liddat. ahas.
having training tml. in the morning. going to coach's place for some gathering. quite excited. cos will see alot of pple there. my ex-teammates. my juniors. alot larhs. i like these gatherings. cos it's like this group of pple. who share the same interest, same passion. meeting up once in awhile. sooo cooolioo. i am looking forward to it. arghs. two more daes to schhoool reopen. =S

slipping awae.

2005-03-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

i feeel soooo annoyed. not funnily annoyed. but irritably annoyed. i feel like running. running awae from all these nonsense. feel like sleeping till eternity. den i wont nid to think sooo much. wont nid to dooo so many things. wont nid to be worried of how u will react. or wad to sae to whoeva it may concern. wont nid to explain all the millions things that i did. wont nid to feel dejected. but i will definitely miss stoning. stoning. and stoning. shit. whie is everything soooo wrongg. soooo irritatedd.!!! arghhh!!!!!
i am deproving. deproving. realli deproving. my skills and mentally perhaps. boohoooos. this is affecting me soooo much. i stoned the whole dae. my mind was full of negative stuff the whole dae in school. i din noe wad to sae to anione. wadeva lar. sooo irritating. okay. sorry. for blabbering. =\

2005-03-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

i don wan to feel this way. AGAIN.

holss!

2005-03-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

i am sooo angryy~!! i updated my blog like two days ago.yet it wasnt publish. darnnn. lousy compp. sooo angryyy. booohooos. wadeva it iss. forget it. haas. i am sooo super tiredd. mentallyy and physically. wahhhhs. had training for the past two daes. from 9 to 6. of cos lunch breaks in between. damn shagged. had training in the morning. friendly in the afternoon. woohooos. shiok. but tiring. one more day to go!! but i think the team had bonded quite alot. since the first day i started training with the veejay volleyball team. like wad the tcher in charge sae. it's hard to find a small group of pple who shares the same love and passion and of cos not forgetting the same goal as youuu. i ought to treasure them. :) of cos i do treasure and love them. yeahhhs. juc hope that after sooo much hardwork. we cann clinch the goal medal. yupp. we eat volleyball. drink volleyball. play volleyball. sleep volleyball. and dream volleyball. yeaaah.
ohhh. i miss my class alot. i realised. sooo long nvr see them ler. its onli tuesdae noww. hmrf. got soooo long to wait. but wellls. duno if i shud go to kbox wif them on thurs. still deciding.. hmrfs. and the fri lunch. haas. but tt's for the girls onli. haas. hard to clique larhs. girls and guys. for me it's oaky. but for them. for some weird reasons. they cant seems to enjoy each others company. timee is the factor. haas.will bond somedaee. yahh. i think i shud go. if not i will be v detach to the class. butt kbox super ex larhhs. hmrffs. oh. and i am quite scare of someone in my classs. arghhhs. =x lalaa!!
nothing much. jus tt my arm hurts. duno whie. play too much vball lerrrs. no one cares aniwae. jus hope that the pain will jus go off. sooon. sooon. soooon. =\

happpyyy

2005-02-21T04:48:00.000-08:00

ahaas. i lurveee schoool nowww. realli loveee schoool. schoool is sooo much fun. actualli it's onli my class larhhs. and the teamm. 05S61 rocksss. haaas. i go to school for more laughters till tears. darnnn funnyyy. yahhh. apparently. i am the crazeeeee oneee. who goes around making fun of the girls and some guyss. haas. giving them nicknamess anddd laughingg at themm. haas. sooo funnn. i duwan the dae to come when some of us haf to leave jus cos of the darnnn Olevel results. boohooos. cos i adapted to the new way of life. and now they are taking them awae. hmrffs. i jus everything will remain the sameee. but some assholes can jus get lostt. =x oopppss. tt was rudee. but like i care. ohh training was okayy.but dunno. from outsider point of view. i am like not like myself. look and play as if i am very bothered by some stufff. arhh. maybe. butt it's like i nvr realli think of it larhs. butt kinda affects mee. but hecks. i am being very irritating now. cos someone is irritating mee. haas. tt was crap.
ohhhh. sinhuiii paiseh arhhs. tt dae bang seh u. i owe u lunch i will rmb. :) anddd mingjieee going for camp lerr. mus take careee. andd the rest. love u.

chinese new yrrr

2005-02-12T02:27:00.000-08:00

woohooos. chinese newww yearrr!! todae is da nian chu four. i nvr go outt. stayed at home de whole daee. quite boredd. but it has been some time since i stayed at home whole daee. i baked cookie in the earli aftn. did some homeworrkk. wahhh. there is sooo much to do! hmph. shall go continue laterr. realli very boreddd larhhs. felt super distracted and all. kept thinking of going outt. butt too lazy. and no one is freee to go out wif me? i supposed? no one ask me out larhhs. haas. nvm. i am a good girll. my mum was surprised too. *shrugss* ate alot recently. cos it's new yr. all the ba gua and pineapple tarts. my favee! wheeee. neh mindd. at least ydae's xcount shed some of my fats off. it was utter disappointment. i din even push myself to the limit. i walked?! haas. sooo louya-pok. i din even feel tired after the runnn. haa. walked sooo muchh. haa. and talkedd?! haas. worse xcountry ever. i kinda regretted. but aiya. it's overr. anddd i din win anithing for lucky draw!! hmphhh. stupiidd. i wan the pair of movie ticks. sooo long nvr watch movie lerrr. e last show i watch was the stupid aviattooorrr.!!! bloody piece of shitt. =x arghhs. goin swiss house tml.. goonnaaa use all my powerto win moneyy!! haas. thurss. i won 50bucks for mahjiong siaaa. haas. my lucky daeee. yeaaa! :) must be happy den will lucky lucky. and win lotsa lotsa moneyy. haaas. sooo lammee. but my poker skills aree like shittt. =\ i am onli mahjiong-ly inclined. haaa. i am sucha clever girlll. =x nothing muchhh actualli. i am sorta looking forward to mondae. which ish valentine's daee. i cant wait for pple to praise me and my cookiess. haa. :) yay! eone in my class and the team has it. and some other school friends and cedar juniors! :) yayyy!! i lovee my class. did i mention that 05S61 got second for crosscountry? haas. it was a pleasant surprisee. haas. farnieee. sooo unexpected. arghh. so sadd that i cant go for the class lunchh. but we won the biggggg gift basket. haa. (direct transleation). and yupps. eating on mondae. tt's why. mondae will be a fun dae!! ohhh. but not all the cookiess are nicely heart-shape cut. cosss. errrs. haa. not enufff. soo some of my not so close guy classmates got the crumbs. which is sooo awlful. but too bad lar. girls haf the heart shape ones cos they are more appreciativeee. ahas. oritee larhhs. enufff of crappp. will blog soon.

veeeejaaaayccccc+ sinhui

2005-02-05T04:16:00.000-08:00

hello. soooo long nvr update lerrr. soooo sorry yea pple. had been super busy wif life nowadaes. =\ train almost everydae. and college still sucks even without project workk. long schhoool daess. with trainingss. oh yeaa. trainins is the onli thing i look forward to. and of cos small breaks in between long and draining lesssonss. oriteee man. but other den tt. i kinda like veejayyy. my classmates rockks. 05S61!! :) lammeee + gossipy classs. i gossip with the girls and talk cock to the guyss. haaa. life is so funnn wif them arndd. the chicken pie and chicken rice rocksss! and i the cross country route. is sooo much beta. yeaaa. i had been sooo busyyy. till i haf no time to go back cedar to visit my friendsss. hmph. and my tchers! boohooos. i miss mrs pehhh. hmph. no timeee to come online to update my blogg. and my msn is down. i am soooo saddddd. =\ damn the comp. hmph. oriteees. act my life is boringgg. borrrinnnggg. and still borrinnngggg. woohoooss. i wan to see my friends!!! =X shiatt. next fri ish crosscountryy. i am scareee. it's scarryyy!! hmrffs. nvm. i shall tryyy. anddd find my motivation againnn. ahaas. soo lammeee.
ohhh. i wannn liu sinhui to come veejay pei mee!!!!! si boyfriend. u beta come and protect me from all the stupidd rumoursss. hmphh. i am stuppiddd and sloowww. i din realise life can be sooo fun with jus sinhui arnddd until the endd of last yrr? i think i was blinded by love during the whole of my sec threee yr. too assholic till i cant notice her as my potential best frend. haa. but i oso duno how come we will get so close. mus be alll the gossips and our lameness. but i realli wan to thank god for letting her into my life and of coss. bcome my best frendd! duno wad tt sinhui will label me as in her hart, but to me, she is one of those whom i can tell everything to without being afraid that she will not accept wad u gonna sae and all? yay! i am sooo proud of herrr. but i don think she think likewisee and don expect her to feel this way. cos i am contented n glad the frendship grew so much in my harttt. realli super duper happy. may we be friends for life. kinda childish. butt. stilll. i am thankful to haf u. :)

orientation

2005-01-07T20:07:00.000-08:00

arghhs. finally. orientation is over.. it's sooo longg. andd tiringg. first dae sucks larhhs. cos my gp pple all so dead. andd my ogl sucks! he realli does larhs. so short fat ugly irritating. hmph. criess. he loves attentionn. butt i gave him none. and he knows i hate him. bleahhs. i am soo sway larhs. i go everywhere. complain to my snr. my snr class. they all give me the sympathetic look. which kinda makes me more saddd. hmph. but alrite larhs. i made a new friends. i realised tt i cant realli clique with my peers. i can clique wif my snr more?? the ip student in my gp kinda suck. this ip guy from vs. wahh. thinks he is so damn smart larhh. hmph. dont like him. but i guess i wont see him again animoree. orientation was overall funn. the vj spirit is kinda like cedarr. very enthu. butt i sorta feel nostalgic larhh. miss cedar soooo much. but i think will slowly get use to life in veejay. :) i keep forgetting the mass dance steps. hmphh. and i haf a strong dislike for shy guyss. those whom i tried to talk to, and they jus stone and gif u short answer. wahh liaooos. wad shit larhhs. wont die if u talk ritee. this irritating classmate of minee. he is a marist larhhs. he went for og dinner. den i ask himm. ehh, arent u benjamin from my class. 05S61. denn he was like yahh. den i sae whie u nvr talk in class one. guess wads that bastard answer. " IS THERE A NEED TO TALK" wahh kaoss. i was soooo angryyy. and i said. -forget it. i hate loserrs like u. shit him larhhhs. and i willl be stuck wif him like for the next two yr. i bet he is a gay. he doesnt talk to girls i think. this kinda pple turns me off man. attitude pple. classmates are not funn. bcoss they stick to their schhoool pple. like very unwilling to make friends liddat. fine lohs! hmph. but my snrs are a bunch one fun loving pple larh. as in 04S61. they are quite funny actualli. haha! hopefully things will get beta after proper lesson starts nxt week. if not i shall jus kill myself. but i think i will jus be friendly and mix arnd. my CT rep kinda suckss tooo. he is ffrom ACSI but i think h edoesnt do anithingg one larhhs. lucky it's tentatively.. muahahas. oriteeee. gtg. tada`

new yr!

2005-01-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

happyy new yr!! whheeee. todae marks the first dae of yr 2005. and is oso my mummy's bdae. haa. i was in the lame mood ydaeee. i drew her a bdae card. using drawing paper. my handwriting was humogous. but it was quite nicee. lols. self praiseee. ohhh. i was practically doing lame things on the 1st of jan. earli morning. u noee. like 1 plus. haa. packing my new school bagg. in the middle of the night. coolio arhhs. i still haben buy shoes. oh. i am sooo sadd. hmph. and my sports bra. and errs. no more! shiat. i am a bit maddd. more den a bit madd larhs. tooo excitedd for school ler. my ogl called.! haa. i am nott abandoned kk. =) tt's whie i can packk my bagg. ohhh. had a miny gathering todae. with my mum's frend and all. talked a lot. all soo auntieee. ahaahaas. some discussion larhhs. the house was sooo noisy.. but i like it. everyone was busy talkingg. haas. her frend was her primary school frendd. muahahs. funny. oh wells. my cousins are sooo cute. and the food rocks. i am so fulll. sleep now super erxin. so online lohss. i am like typing in the dark cos everyone elses is asleep. ohhh. and my toot bro has a tablet. u noe the laptop can use the penn draw.. tt onee. three thousand pluss. i am jealouss. cos his toot school nids it larhhs. darnn. hmrffs. but daddy sae he is goin to buy me a laptop.! yay! but i told him not so soon larhs. i am sucha filial girl. =x todae ish oso my last dae working in www. i am soooo happy man. haa. =)) but onli can get my pay on seventh. hmrfs. haii. new yrr. got new resolution. but wont follow de i guess. =

the arms of a friend

2004-12-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

was reading some book and came upon this short story. it's quitee nicee larhhs. haas. so here to share with all. =))

sometimes love comes to us unexpectly. and it stays for a whilek, bringing muchhappiness into the lives of those it touches. often love will leave a heart just as quickly as it comes and it will leave behind much pain and grief. if asked, God will send a dear friend to comfort the one who has lost love. there is still a void tt may never be completely filled, and hurting may come in moments not so rare, but the pain won't be quite so hardto bear in the arms of a friend.
a friend will listen to your sorrows then u cry, and will rejoice with u when e happy times return by and by. a friend is one who will stick by u even after being rejected for the first mistaken glimpse of love, and will repeatly listen and comfort u and never ask"why?" after much time has gone by nd grief does not seem so near, u might find tt u haf truely fallen in love with the friend so dear.

=) thanks. u noe who u peeps areee. =))

moodddd swinnggg

2004-12-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

wahhhh. todae suddenly mood swinggg. haas. so long nvr mood swinggg lerrr. haaa. stupiiiddd laaaa. i am sooo crankyyy. and i cant play yahooo towers. hell knows whiee. internet got problemmm. mus ask pple come and reformat lerr. butt my bro's pokemon games are all save. how lame can he get mannn. so childish. =x lols. life is siannn. work. sleep. eat. train. vball. =\ borinnggg. but who caress larhhhs. haas. i duno wad to type noww.?! too long nvr bloggg. duno wad tone to use. duno wad to sae. wad to talk abt. haas. lammmooos. oriteee. i did mention abt the blardieee mambo last entry riteee. i bought it at 30% off. and yahhh. the next daeee. my iderttt friend who psycho mee. -yuhuuaaaa- called and told me. she was very sorry. but still told me the factt that it was on 50% offf. howwww greattt. stupiiddd. but nvm larhs. buy ler jiuu buy lerrr. forget it larhs. hmrffs. kindaaa saddd larhhs. mooddy. i hate xmasss. i duno whieee. every yr xmas sucks. i haven found someone who can make me happy on xmas.? haa. nono. xmas isnt over yet. maybe tml would be niceee. who noees. if my prince charming will appear tml and change my point of view of xmass? ohh. no. i am day dreaming. darnnn. this is baddd. i suspect that no onee visit my blogg. soo haa. i die oso no one will noeee. maybe i will die on xmas. den pple close to me will hate xmas tooo. or maybe they will love xcxmas. cos they can celebrate my death? haa. shit. that was nonsense! i think no one lovess mee. i suspectt. haa. or maybe i shud sae i confirm. and this had resulted in me. loving myself lesseer and lesserr. haas. wad was tt suppose to mean. i dunoo. i suddenly feel soo unloved. and so not confident of myselff. wads happeningg.. all xmas fault. i told u i hate xmas. yahh. i realised. i am sooo super easy replaced. and pple seemed to be so elated to haf me out of their lifes. wadsss happeningg. i hate memories. they screw up my lifee. i hate silent nightts. haa. sumwad related to xmas isnt it? lol.

xmas shopping

2004-12-17T20:07:00.000-08:00

argh. suddenly got sooo many things to saee. cos long time nvr update lerr horrr. haas. tt time wanted to update. but the blogger got prob. sooo it isnt my fault. oriteee. i am in sucha bad mood nowww. =\ hmph. ha. not exactly larhhhs. i am still ahppy. cos tonight i haf big feast to eat!! yay! coss hua theyall treating me sakura. finally!! my bdae treat. yes! =) after sooooooo long larhhhs. haa. later got training.after train so hard go eat buffet. haaa. diess larh. =x ohhh. ydae i went mass shoppinggg. haas. mass xmas shoping i shud sae. and i spend soo much. haa. got a super expensive xmas gift for myself. haaa. it was merely an excuse. din wan to buy the 30% discount mambo bag. but after the toot huaaaa. she kept pyschoing me. den i bought. but i very happpy larhhhs. shall save it until schoool reopen den i use. heh. xin de yi nian xin de kai shi. which means a new yr shall haf a new start. yay! sooo lame. bought xmas present for sinhuii. i was thinking if i shud. but when i saw tt it reminds me of her. so i jus bought. it's kinda useless. but. nvm larh hor. it's the thots tt counts. wheeee. and i haf been eating alot this few daesss. duno whiee. haas. sooo scarryyy. but i heckkk. i am undergoing puberty. yay. ohhh. i nid to go soon. meeting lainneee for lunch b4 training. haas. nid to catch up wif some talking. ahas. i rock my own world. i live my own live. i choose wad i wan to doo. yay. i don nid to care wadd others think. yay. i am sooo selfish all of a sudden. i am crazeeeee. haas.

life rockkkss

2004-12-02T01:28:00.000-08:00

wahhhs. life realli rocks after Os mannn. :) i am soo enjoying lifeee. haa. jus came back from ice skatingg. wheee. thou it's a bit farrrr. okay. no it's verryy farrr. but still i kinda enjoy skatinggg. even thou i din enjoy the company larhhhs. if u were to be there. i am sure it would be much funner. cosss we will laugh like madd. but too bad. *shrugss* it was rather cheapp. $8.40 for unlimitedd. nvr lugii worrrs. haaas. but very tiringgg. i fell so many timeess. arghh. so throw face. and my knees are all blue blackk. hmrffs. contain starch! =x damnn. i am sooo lamee. *slaps myself* soo after abt three hrs or soo doin the sammee thinggg. we left. yay! and i came homee. andd going to play bball later! wheeee. i lurrrveee my lifeee. :) ohhh. thats how my dae went todaee. ydae was funnn tooo! wheeee. totallyyy. cos i went wildwildwet. for the first timee. sounds suaku. but still i went WWW!!yay. for interview larhhss. admission for wildwildwet. so maybe when u all visit. den will see me there. lols. after tt. i played there lohss. made several new friendss thou. they are all super funny andd can make me laugh likee siaoooers. haas. funnny! b4 tt had trainingg. was rather saddening larhh trainingg. =\ dunoo wads wrong wif mee. ccannt play properlyyy. reali off form off till like siaoo? hmmm. dunooo. soo discouraginggg u noee! i wan to runnn awae and crryyy! haas. soo cowardd. budden haii. duno larhhs. soo saddd andd stresssssed up. the veejay players. all so strong. it's very competitivee. andd there werent much encouragement osoo. arghhh. how much i miss life in cedar vball teamm! but wadeva it is. i cant turn back time. gotta live wif it bahhh. missing them wont bring me back. no one encourage u. den u encourage urself lohh. :) haaas. sellf motivattionn. budden after tt. i joined them for lunch. and as usual listenn to charmaine's interesting talkss. haas. we were practically gossiping larhhs. soo baddd. heard alot of shocking stufff. =\ dunooo larhhhs. juss hope that we will not be tt fragmented after the jones join the team? apparently even before we join. they areee fragmented larhhs. i shant elaboratee butt still. hope things will work outt. coss we share the same goal. aj here we come! =x

post Os lifee

2004-11-27T01:01:00.000-08:00

yay!!! Os are finally overrr. it's over. over. and OVERR!!! i am so happy. exhilerated. exuberaed. jovial. and wadeva tt describes happy. haa. i sooo long nvr update cos my internet was down.. haa. becos. my mum she forgot to pay?! o.0 sooo lame riteee. haas. ooo. i haf been stayin out very late for the past four nights. and todaeee. i haf decided to stay at homee. to be good girl. :) i scare they miss me tooo much.. haas. no larhs. i am actualli sick of shopping walking arnd. and nid to gif my pocket some time to recover from the big fat hole. all becos of the toot prom. i spend soooo much.. hmrfs. guiltyy. nvmmm. forget it. at least i bought something that i can wear go out de. hehs. so not tt bad larhs. nvr lugi!! post Os days are sooo much fun!! online. eat. sleep. exercse. watch movie. shop. haas. everything tt i wanted. :) yAy.!! can an xin de zzzz!! without worriess. butt still worried abt results larhs. but i duno larhss. hope for the best bahhh.
prom rockkks. thou it was held in school. but stilll. haa. no diff larhs. it was nicely decorated. by our prefect councellors. but they nvr lugi wadd. can see sooo many mei nu walking in and outt. ohh. did i mention tt the food rockss. :) i ate likee. twice?! haa. wif sinhuii. we are super pigggss. but wad lohs. we paid $20 leh. mus eat alll we cann. :) last time lerr marhhs. haas. lucky my clothes is lose lose de. haas. =x if nottt. i think everyone will faint. haas. the games were lammeeee. wad longest breathe and biggest smile. lols. and mambo queeen. oooh. jasmin cann dance very weellls. and the fashion show or somethinggg. haas. got lotsa chiobu.. and i felt so inferior. hmrfs. :( errrs. dennn. i was disco? but haa. i din realli join larhs. spend most of my time taking pictures and stuff. ooo. i finally took picture wif tina. finally talked to herr. after one and a half yr. yahhh. realli very happpy. and i cried. it's so embarrassingg!! ohh. and i oso very touched by yq. haa. duno whie. thou we nvr sae anithingg. but when she came and tap my shoulder and hugged me. i super touched. and overwhelmed. wanted to cry. but i ren. in the end nvr. haas. but after tt i like got soo many things to sae. but yet duno how to sae. arghh. sumtimes is like de i guess. =\ arghs. i miss cedarr. hmrffs. cedar rocks. haa. i feel childish. haas. i still wonder whie those childish primary six pple. thinks that cedar is not good and blahh. they deserve to die.! =x cedar rockss big timee. yahhhh. :)

boreddd.

2004-11-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

i am super sick and tired of studyingggg. muggingggg. arrgghhh. six more daesss. but at least yuhuaaa haddd made my studying dayss a lot funner! haaaz. cos i can laguh at her retardnesss. but she can be a great deal of help tooo. ahasss. anddd we owaes go shoppingg arhhhs. which ish baddd!! but studying is a very harddd jobbb. haaas. u cannn tryyyy. or i should saeee. when u try, u will noeee. hmrfffs. i wan a lifee. i neeed a lifeee. a post-Os lifeee to be exacttt. ahaaas! the toot bio paper got problemmm larhhhs. make me waste sooo much time on that pupil questionnn. LUGI !!! and i din haf much time to coherently write down the points i had for structured essayyy. ohh wells. i beta not freettt. cos it's overr. oooo. i haf to pyscho myselfff that i love physicsss. ohhh yay.. physicsss rockkksss. haaaz. it din make me feel a tweeny bit betaaa. hmrffs. nvmmm. i shall try it again later when the physics texxtt is in front of mee. wahhaas.
it's funnny how life workss. it's realli. eccentriccc. unpredictablee. some ppleee come into ur lifee. and leave almost immediately as if they did not appear in ur lifeee. buttt they left such a great impacttt. yahhh. and u nvr wan them to leaveee. whereas some pplee will jus happened to be in ur life till the dayyy u diee or perpetuallyyy. or for a very long timee larhhhs. but u will jus take them for granteddd. and sometimess, even wan them to go awae. get out of ur sighttt.yahh. how ironiccc. haas. when u duno how to treasure someone who ish there physically. and yet u wan treasure the one whom abandon u?! ohhh god. do i make sense? i don think anione cann understanddd. haaaz. wellss. jus a penny of thot. haaas. reflectionnns larhhs. blehhs. too boreddd and thinking abt silly thingggsss. mmm. it's sooo funnny and unpredictable that best friends cann meeet without planning to meet?! haaas. it wasss quitee bizzareee larhhhs. cosss for consecutive two daes. to different venuees. horrr? minnnggg? lols. buttt ahahas. din talk much osoo. not much excitement tooo. haaa. mus be u misss me too much den attract mee to u! haa. i am blabbering nonsenseee. ohh wells. it feels great to see u thou.. ahahas. okayy. i think i sound quite mushy and funnyyy. i am laughing to myselfff. maybe too much mugging will result in such ridiculous acts. whheeee. backk tooo bookkks. oh did i mention that i miss hweeemin. hmrfs. she ish onee lucky girlll. spending xmas in newyorkkk. i wannn!!!! hmrfs.

countdown

2004-11-05T04:16:00.000-08:00

countinggg downnn. wheeee. i haf two weeks more to go! wahhh. this week passed like winddd. so fast i finish four paper lerrr. yesss!! two more weeks. errs. actualli five more days. it's jus that the papers are spread out. which is good! lols. got time to study. so far so good larhs. it's jus my englishhh. i find it okayyy. but dare not expect tooo high. scare get back results super disappointedd. so juss pray harddd. buta three would be more then enough. thou my hart wants a two. haaaz. wadd crappp. weells. i din haf time for paper one larhs.. so compo wasnt all that well done i suppose. and the situational writinggg. it was crap. we were suppose to write an affectionate letter to our unclee. i duno how larhs. i din plan din anithing. cos no timee!!! forty five min left onli..so i chionggg. till last minute.. no time to checkkk. damn. i bet there will be countless mistakesss. arghhh. english is hopeless. and i don haf the damn higher chineseeee!! its all the toot moe fault. i noe a lot of pple heard this complaint beforeee but still i must saee!!! i got A* for chinese. disdinction for higher chinese. but they duwan offer me higher chinese in secondary school. all becos of my iritating english. BBBBBB. damn larhhh. den now going to graduate liao. den they change. can opp for higher chinese. wad the heellll. nvm. shall make do with wad i haf. but i still hafta continue wif chinese in college. -____-" daaaamnnn. haaa. i am in such a vulgarrr moodd.. whheeees. nvmm. sooo excited to watch tv laterr. yays! i am giving myself a break till 10. after amaths, i was practicalli sleeping in physics remedial. or shud i say, sleep while copying.. copying blindly in other wordss. haaz. i think he noeee i am dozing offf. oh wells. i came homeee. slepttt. haaaz. my fave hobby. i din noe by doing the cambridge papers, it will make me soooo sleepy. ahas. came home str8 afte papers. and SLEEP. its so unlike mee.! lols. nvmmm. this kinda thing can pei yang one. pple changeeee. yahhhh. it's soooo scarrryyyy. but nvm larhss. maybe they will change backk. attitude. i owaes believe it's the attitude that realli matter. if ur attitude is good. anddd u dont succeed. dennn too baddd. when u realli try ur very besttt. and poossesss a positive attutude. or shud i sae. a good attitude. even if u fail this time. u will eventualli success de. but ur attitude is bad. if u had succeeded this time. it doesnt guarantee that u can make it again. hard work relli pays i guesss. thats whieee i noeee. if i don do dat well this timee. it's sorta expecteddd. i din go all outt thou. but i did try veryyyy verryyy harddd. but i jus don think i can make it larhs. maybe it's jus that i set too unrealistic goals. but not exactly. but i jus cant imagine myself getting good results. i duwan to pin so high hopes. and fall and it will hurt like shiat. sooo. it's jus mere pessimism. haaa. is there this word. i onli noe there is optimism. lala. paranoid. nvm. don careee abt meee. i don nid anione to care thouuu. (:

pre-Os.

2004-11-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

ahaas. counting down. 14 more hours to social studies paper. minus 8 which is my sleepin time. i am left with six hours. damnn. and i am still updating my bloggg. shheeesh. doesnt matter. i ought to take a break. i sat at mac from 1030 till 430? straight si hours. trying to sieve out points on merger and separation. doing english tys. andd reading the thick and bulky straits time. which has prints like antttss. badddd for eyes. i shud haf brought along a magnifying glasss. =x i mettt disgusting peopleee. with eccentric laughters. which stimulates my nerve cells. causing my hair to stand as thou there is a magnet above my skin?! ahhha. waddd crap am i talking abt. hair is not a magnetic material.. goossh! i am maddd. damnn. i had no choice. wanted to stay at homeee. buttt there were soooo many gratifications. and distractionss.! the drillingggss nearli drove me insane. and my beddd. ahhh. cos onli haddd six hours of sleep ydaeee. went for breakfast wif whole family plus grandmother. i felt soo great. i forced myself up every mondaee. so as not be be excluded in family activitiess. but i wonder if they would appreciate itt. =\ alritess. back to topic. yupps. so high tendency of mee slumpin into my bedd and sleep like a pigg despite of the noise. haaz. cant study but can sleep. wad logic. oriteees. i made a right choicee. i did quite alott. *victorious grinss!* okaayyy. i had been thinking alot recentlyyy. sooo uncertain of my future.. and todaeee. i saw this old ladyy at macdonald's wif her grandchildren i supposed. waaahhh. i feltt sooo overwhelmed by emotions all of a sudden. thinkingg of my future in 40 yrs time. wad would i be? dammnnn.. i realli dunoo. sooo scarryyy. maybe it's a form of stress. cos i read the papers. and they were saying that the project 'O' had many callerss, those taking GCE Os larhhs. confiding in themm. sharingg their uncertainities of future and worries abt not being able to get into their dream jcs or polytechnics. ahhh. i dunooo. am i stressed?! boohooos. i dunooo. i dun look stressed up do i? i cant wait for Os to be overrr. darrnn. i wan to train. i wan to shop. i want to watch movie. i want to online. i want to play volleyball. i wan to go sentosa. i wan my bdae treat. i wan to work. i wannn. delay gratification. noww. MUST STUDY! lols.

MUGGER with life

2004-10-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

ahas. i a a mugger with lifeee. oh my tian. tuesdae going to start social studies paper liao. followed by english. and em and am. orites. i shall type in proper and perfect english todaee. so as to practise. jus came back from traininggg. it was tiringgg. realli tiringgg. my back is aching noww. i wan and i need massage! any kind souls? i bet i will suffer for severe muscle ache forr like ten years? haas. ohhh. fine. i am exaggeratingg. lols. damn. shudnt i be studyingg. but my hand is tooo tired to write. my brain too tired to think. my back is too tired to sit up str8. so no point wasting my timeee. i came here to update in case anione misses me. ooohoos. i cant wait for Os to be over. i can imagining myself playinggg till i drop. lols. no worry by then. onli as the date of collecting back results draws nearer. den i will suffer frommm isomnia. =\ too nervousss. aha. but i dreamt that i got twelve. for Os. when everyone elses got under ten. ohh wells. this shows that i ought to study hard to prove my dream wronggg. ahas. but seldom. dreams come true. so i nid not worry. butt it sorta serve as a motivation. =) lols. i hateee it when my eyelids are heavy. and mind not functioninggg. oriteees. i am a MUGGER with lifeee. yeasss!! i am worried for Oss. workinggg damn hard- i considerrr. HA! i duno if hard work pays. anddd errrs. hopefully, my study method is ritee! my englisshhh sucks. can somebody help?! and my social studies. oh no. i am getting paranoiddd. nvm. self deceptionn. i am doingg ok. haaaz. lamess.
today's training was funnn!!! superr. went k.a. haa. swiss bluff me go. but nvm. i enjoyed myself thoroughly. went to playy wif my future teammates. and my ex teammatess. haaaz. the combination was funnyy. but who caress. i playyyed anddd enjoyed! they are training forr the under19 comp. but i hafing Os. i cant join. saddd. :( but nvm. there will sure be chancesss in futureee. oh my. wad will future be likeee?! =\ i dunoo. but i am superrr looking forward to my to years in victoria junior collegeeee. ahasss. coss my future teammateeeees are super friendlyy? ! anddd. yahhh. heardd her saying that the pple thereee aree super onn oneee. jus like mee!! oriteees. according to ezzah. vjc ish for those. superr outgoing. extrovert. enthu. and NOISY! wadevaaa lohsss. mus add the last oneee right! pigggoo. i am noisyy larhss. but quitened downnn ALOT. ahaas. maybe no one to siao wif meee. haaaz. butt todae i quite crazzzzyyy. kept laughing to myselff. booohooos. i loveee volleyballll. it revive meee. haaa. yeasss! (: i thott it would be quite weird at firstt. i din noee szejia they all were goinggg. buttt it turned out ariteee. time changess relationship. not peoplee. yahhh. they aree still the same. it's jus that they are sooo distant. it reminds me of last timee larrr. szejiaaa forever serving outt. huizi talking soooo fast and her setting is still the sameee. and she still cant serve. maybe it's stresss. HAAA. oriteee. but still. i duno. things jus change larhs! and jiao lian was singing praises for mingjiee. sae wadd. her setting very good. regrett nvr train herr. den waddd. her ball very nicee. will go up and come down. and she very tall. and noe how to bloccck. bahhh. i wasss laughing thru-out. very badd horrr. cannot believe it marhs.. but it was her dreammm to become a setter. butt i owaes mock at herr. sooo now her chance to fufil her dream comes.. swiss sae he goin to train her for vj setter. duno true ornottt. lolss. work hard fei! i cant wait to spike the balls u set. lols. haa. jiayou! ohhh. and she say she got wish me happy bdaee. duno true ornottt. butt i shall be optimistic. and believe.. haaaz. yays! ohh. and everyone thot that i haf a bf. wad the hell. NO. i am single and available. haaaz. cos mr chan caught me wif a guy frendd tt timee. den he go spreadd. lols. nvm. i am innocenttt. go out wif guys = boyfriend. piggo. free movie of cos go larhs.! i am not sooo stupidd onee lohsss. hmmrrfss. okay doksss. nothingg much. jus leeting some steam outtt. bahhh. okayyy byeee!

chem pract

2004-10-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

damn. i screwed up my pract. hmrfs. wadeva. i striked off the correct answer. oh wells. how clever cann i get. damnnn!!! QA was shit. haaz. even worse. so little time. so much to do. they think we waddd. superman?! haaz. no larhs. a bit kua zhang. i din haf enough time thou. hai. hoope it wasnt as screwed up as prelims. and i mus praise our cedar chem tcher. they rocks. cos the prelims VA was exactly the same. i mean the same experiment. but different calculation. bahhh. but my extention question died. confirm zero. firstly, it's cos i din complete. and secondly. i din noe wad i was writingg. too nervousss. i guesss. AHHH! and i duno if it's hydrogen or oxygen. bluff my way thru. hmrfs. but haa. natasha, she was sitting behind me. her 'pop' was damn loud. but i duno if it's hydrogen or oxygenn. haiyerrrs. duno larh. hmrfs. baddd. actualli there is nothing much lerr larhs. =) good luck for my examss. wheee.*

2004-10-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

happy birthdae to me!
happy bithdae to me!
happy birthdae to me!
happy birthdae to me!
lols. okayy. how lonely can i get. sing bdae song for myselff. hmpphh. nvvmm. at least i celebrated yesterdaee. =)) yupps. soo todae i went back to school and did work. laa. i woke up at 7 plus! which ish like so earli. haa. but to accompany my parents for breakfast. cos i seldom haf the chance to do so. =) hehs. went to get my contact lenses too. n ate hans for lunch and went to school. it was boring. but at least i completed a maths paper. and so chemistry. and i ate four packets of mummy!!! wahahas. i cant believe itt. okayys. and i ate vermicilli?! wif two eggs. haa. so cliche. but i like. cos next tym when grow up ler. wont haf pple cook vermicilli for me on my bdae ler. so must treasure the time noww. wheee.
ohhh. ydae was super fun! =)) yupps. friends came over to my housee. made me laughed like madd. duno i had fun. alot of fun. cos the way yuhua was being stupid is hilarous. haaa. she no nid act. she is liddat. lols. funny lil girl. love her soooo much okayyy. thou the brownies she made was sorta rubbery. but still i appreciate that a lot. yupps. thanks for coming everyonee. anddd. all the warm wishes. realli appreciate it alot. esp those whom i am not very lose with. ur wishes realli touched my heart. =)) mm. and my class gang. haaaz. i very touched oso. thou sinhui and sinhong not very shou wif my other frends. the4y still camee.! and i am very gladdd. haaz. thou i felt a bit lostt. duno if i am a good host not. but i appreciated ur presencee. muahahas. and the present. i lurveee itt. yay man. (: i felt so blessed. lalaa` and the toot/ben elaine. came wif some cardd. haaaz. nvm. i unds. she owaes liddat. lol. xi guan jiu haooo. haa. and she owe me like bdae present for two years liao. nvm.. she sae will get de. onli no time to get. wad crap loh. hmrffx. i am bullied. i shall get ah fei number 3 to pull ur hair out. ha. ah fei no. 3 was given by mingmingg. haaaz. yahhh. i am super touched. haaz. cos now i wont feel lonely. maybe i shud talk to ah fei more next tym. like huaaa does to everyone of her soft toys. okayys. yahhh. sweet lil girl. i love youu! haa. realli. but jus duno how to express myself in words. I AM SHY!! yahhhs. realli very touchedd larhs. cos i realli din expect u to do all this for me. cos u are alwaes cannot be boothered by me. orr maybe pretend to be not bothereed. sooo haaaz. oriteees. realli thanksss. :)) all pple realli make me feel as thou i am the luckiest girl. yahhh. and thou the -some-of-u-u-noe-hu- did not give me her wishes, but still haaaz. i am contented. wif u pple arnd. i can still live without her larr. i knew itt. but i accept it. wahahas. i took it damn easy this time round. no hard feelings. haaz. it's kinda sad. but still, pple come and go. well well. i happyyy!!!! reeaaali. thankuteee darlingsss. u peeps colouredd my lifeee. fro a plain piece of paper. into i beautiful picture.yahh. and i noe. u guys are the onee whu will stay by mee. yupps. i jus knew it. and u guys are those whom i nvr wan to lose. yahhh. (:

official last daee of schh.

2004-10-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

yeppps. todae is officially the last dae of school. last daee in 4m. last dae in having proper lesson in cedar. time reali flies. it's like four yrrrs. soo fast jiu end lerr. got happy and sad memories. i am happy to leave school. yet sad at the same time. i hate the feeling of partingg. i noe it's sorta part and parcel of lives. and we cant help it. butt wells. sometimes i jus wish time will jus stop. if u realise. there will onli be one 15 oct 2004. yahhh. and time jus ticks every minute every second. hmrf. and todae i had my greatest time in sec 4m classroom. sinhung was total crap. haa. we were soooo horny? haaa. all the dirty things came out like nobody's business. haha. it was hilarious. totally. :) ahhhh. stupidd. last dae den sooo fun.. normally we were so conserved and demured. haaaz. i think tml i will cry like water tap. non stop. todae i ren till very very xinku. my lass nobody cried larhs. i din wan to cry and make everyone cry. other class de got cry. those super enthu class. i think Z and C. oh my goodness. and i when i was outside classroom. joining the -we are united cheer- i wanted to cry sooo much can. the cedar spirit is like damn strong. yahh. and i don think in jc. it will be liddiss. i haf the sudden urge to cry. and i triieeddd damnnnn hard to hold back my tears. kept looking up larhs. haaaz. in case it falls. haaz. and everyone's faces was sooo i duno how to describe. like the sense of belonging was sumwad etched clearly on everyone's faces. yahh. sooo she bu de. sobsss. yahhh. and i saw huiying's msn nick. i owaes knew that looking back on tears wud make me laugh. but i din noe tt looking back on laughters. will make me cry. yahh. i realli miss those good times i had wif my friends. cedar rocks. yeass! the schhool rocks. but haiya. will hafta let go de marhs. sooner or later. yupps. when trina hugged mee. i wanted to cry too. but rennnn!!! tml. tml. tml will be the dayyy. the biggg day. i thnk the mph will be flooding. haaa. wif tearrsss. it kinda scares me now. imagining wad will it be like tml. =\ but the sad thing is. things don usually wrap up nicely. i haf many regrets too. like tina. and a lot larhs. ethel. i duno. kinda sad when u realised that best frends don end up as best frends when time passes. nvm. pple change things change. yahhh. i duno if it's time changes things. or pple changes them themselve. butt wadeva it is. our life is revolve arnd changes. sooo as much as i hate changes. i still nid to learn to accept changes. do i make sense?! haaz. i duno.. haaz. realli duno. i jus wan to tell everyone that i love everyonee. yahhh. i realli doo. and appreciate all the timees we haddd. no matter good or badd. yahh. esp huaa they all. they still owe me bdae treat. and samantha.it had become a routine to take bus wif her every morningg. and sinhui. recently den become close de. haaaz. and for calling me lugi soh. nd pei-ing me go see my eye candiee. and sinhung. sooo making me high when she ish high. haaaz. soooo farnieee. and ezzahhh. the bimboo.!! forrr keeping me occupy by telling her the newest updateess. haaz. and ena. for being my meii. =)) and mingjie. forr letting me go her house to interact wif her mother and sister. and father. i realli hope that things can work out perfectly fine btwn us. cos i duwan to lose my best friend jus liddat. thou i am realli losing grip. okayyy. nvm. let nature takes its own course. and huiying. for pei-ing me tooo swimmm. and alot more. ohhh. and my elaineee! i think i will jus die without herrr. haa. thou she graduate ler larhs. but still mus thank herr. and haiya. i lazy to list out. haaz. *hugsss.

super duper happy but sad too.

2004-10-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

i am super duper happy. yay! =)) relieved. and happy. haaaz. sooo happy. maybe it will be the best bdae gift? i cant stop grinnning to myselfff. haaa. and i realised. the world can be realli small?
butttt. i oso damn bu shuang of my parents. they kept pyschoing me.. go HCJC. RJC. wadeva. i duwan. i duwan to be indebted to him. i duwan to owe him anithinggg. i duwan.. and they kept saying and saying. until i am damn fed up larhs. where can a ten pointer go?! haaz. i duwan larhs. and they kept saying wad he will help. the problem ish i duwan his help. stupiddd. stupid stupidd. spoil my moodd. spoil my wonderful dae. make meee so irritated wif everyonee. hmrfss. nvm. i am lostt. again.